Poetry by Amalie Flynn: “Ours”

EATING AN ORANGE / image by Amalie Flynn

Ours

PUUUfirst written in March 2012 upon hearing the news of a U.S. soldier
PUUU
who, while deployed to Afghanistan slipped off of base, went to a 
PUUUvillage in Kandahar province, and massacred 16 Afghani civilians

When I hear the news
About the massacre in Kandahar
About how sixteen Afghans were killed,
Shot, in their homes, in the middle of the night
I am standing in my kitchen, eating an orange
Peeling back the skin, and then tearing if off
In pieces that are as thick as human cartilage
And when I see the photograph of a boy
This boy, who is wrapped, in a blanket
Lying, there, in the back of a pickup truck
Lying across my computer screen dead
His face turned to the side eyes closed
And his feet, bare and still and resting
Side by side like he is asleep
I cannot breathe
And it is the middle of the night in America
And I know it should be dark, here, by now
So I am turning
Turning off my computer
Turning off the television
A light left on in the living room
Turning at the end of a hallway
To stand watch, between the bedrooms
Of my two sons both asleep
Safe, their faces facing doors
And roads that are far away
Far away from war
Or later when I cannot sleep
How I will turn over in bed to face him
My husband who was sent over there
To fight this Global War on Terror
And how I will always think about it
A pickup truck that boy and this globe
Half covered in war bloodied and ours.




New Poetry by D.R. James: “Stunned”

AND LINGERING SLUSH / image by Amalie Flynn

Stunned

PUUUU PANJWAI, Afghanistan — Stalking from home
PUUUU to home, a U. S. Army sergeant methodically
PUUUU killed at least 16 civilians, 9 of them children,
PUUUU …early on Sunday.
PUUUUUUUThe New York Times, March 11, 2012

Saffron daffodils three and four deep
line the low-slung factory’s white-washed
wall like spectators along a parade route

watching as we wander to an art exhibit.
They have exploded three weeks early
and seem surprised to see our passing,

their breeze-tossed faces long rows
of ruffled O’s aglow in the spotlight
of the daylight-saving sun. We all

were stunned that mid-week morning
several oddly mellow days ago to awaken
to the Southwest desert’s weather skewed

toward winter Michigan, to children heading
for school in T-shirts and plastic sandals,
our spring relief reserved for late April

arriving in force in early March. It’s eerily
just like summer, with highs near eighty,
and as we walk I’m astounded by my body,

how it knows to bully my sullen disposition
to get over it as if I’d already survived
the blizzards, shoveling, and lingering slush.

But it’s also spring break and warmer by
fifteen degrees than Daytona or San Diego,
and last Sunday, even across the ice-cold lake,

short-sleeved Chicagoans shopped in droves,
and tulips in the short-fenced beds beside
the bus stops were already half-a-foot tall.

In sympathy I’ve warned my Afghani students
not to fall for this unseasonable withdrawal
of the arctic’s brutal jet-stream occupation,

that they likely haven’t seen the vicious last
of what assaults us every winter, what
most certainly will bewilder them once again.




New Poetry by Jess Avelno Flores:

FREEZING IN THE RANCHO / image by Amalie Flynn

this year

i heard it’s freezing in the rancho
saw the fog in the pictures
i’m on the wrong side of the border this year
for dia de los muertos
trying to channel my grief
into arranging vivid orange cempasuchil
homemade móle on a hand embroidered Mexican cloth
for my bedroom ofrenda
this time it’s personal that i’m so far away
now i know first hand there’s nothing therapeutic
about sending money to buy velas P flores P alcohol

everyone is bundled against the cold
huddled around the fire
i mouth the words of the rosario
along with the video call
as i sip my cafe de olla
they pass around a bottle of homemade mezcal
not enough room for all the flowers in the family plot
it’s one person fuller este año
our departed are much beloved

i’m warm inside
pero pagaría con mi alma para estar alla
como el año pasadoPU wrapped up in a blanket
stumbling home on numb feet as the sun rises

are there seasons
where you arePUUUU Tío
is it raining tonight in Mictlan?




New Poetry by Jason Green: “Winter Haiku,” “Spring Haiku”

HAZE OF DESERT / image by Amalie Flynn

Winter Haiku

Seventy degree
December morning. God, I’d
love some cold weather.
——————————————–
The north wind brings a
layer of black smoke over
the camp each evening.
Sometimes we cough and
sometimes our eyes get red. We
just keep on breathing.
Who woulda thunk that
years later we’d still be out
here coughing and shit?
Not the congressmen
who fought against the burn pit
bill. America!
——————————————–
Hindu Kush mountains,
snow-capped and rising above
Mazar-i-Sharif.
At any other time,
this would be one of the most
beautiful scenes ever.
Instead, all I can
think about is my hatred
for President Bush.
——————————————–
We cough because we
sleep next to always burning
tires and chemicals.
Years from now we’ll drop
like flies and Congress will be
confused as to why.
——————————————–
Desolation is
not even the word I would
use to express this.
Flying over what
used to be Fallujah is
heartbreaking for us.
By “us,” I mean those
soldiers who can empathize
with the citizens.
There is no way that
every person down there
doesn’t hate us now.
——————————————–
It’s like Groundhog Day.
You wake up. You guard your small
piece of Afghan land.
You go to bed. Then
wake-up and do the same damn
thing, every single day.
Never gaining an
inch and never giving back.
Just biding our time.
——————————————–
I like to read books
on Oysters and steak. Then go
eat gray chow hall eggs.
——————————————–
New Year’s Day marks the
midway point of our Iraq
deployment. Jesus.
——————————————–
First sunrise brings a
flight to Tallil. I see a
small boy waving up.
I wave down in hopes
that my gesture will keep him
from hating us all.
——————————————–
I got a popcorn
machine for our movie nights.
Now we need butter.
Why dodge mortar fire
all day, then watch films about
war? What is going on?

 

Spring Haiku

Lengthening days and
darker mornings. More dust storms,
more rockets coming.
——————————————–
We pretend that at
home there was tranquility,
while in our bunkers.
——————————————–
Sand sticks in places
the balmy breeze takes it to
and showers don’t help.
——————————————–
I hear the whistle.
Through the haze of desert
sand, their death prayers.
——————————————–
The spring moon lights my
path as a camel spider
hides in my shadow.
——————————————–
Spring rains bring mud so
deep it could suck the boot right
off your fucking foot.
——————————————–
Muddy fields of sand
the rainy season is here
fuck this fucking place.
——————————————–
Watching from the sky
the balloon shows them setting
up a mortar. Shit.
Send out QRF
find out it was a hookah
glad we didn’t shoot.
——————————————–
He’s planting his fields
while carrying an AK.
Why is he shooting?
I’d be mad at us
too if I was just trying
to work and then this.
Maybe mad enough
to shoot randomly at three
soldiers in a truck.
——————————————–
Miry fields are more
than a nuisance to pissed-off
troops. Synecdoche.
——————————————–
We crossed the spring hills,
in a tiny CIA
plane flown by a dude.
He wore a backwards
baseball cap and wouldn’t look
ahead at the “road.”
We skirted the heights
of the Hindu Kush, barely
making it over.
This shit ain’t fun no
more. I’m ready to leave this
FOB, maybe by car.
——————————————–
We fly higher than
the kites they fly below us.
I’m bored, so I wave.
They don’t wave back up
at the infidel. Maybe
it’s the big rifle?
——————————————–
Chris died just a week
before Memorial day.
Irony. That’s all.
——————————————–
The poppies are in
full bloom and I’m popping pills.
Please help ease my pain.
A hole in my gut,
medics, wet gauze to dry gauze,
I need my morphine.
The shakes, not shitting,
but I’m feeling amazing.
Thank god for poppies.
——————————————–
Maple syrup doesn’t make
cardboard pancakes taste any
better. Fuck this place.
——————————————–
Powdered eggs and a
rubberized sausage make up
our Easter breakfast.
——————————————–
Flooded rivers and
muddy fields and all day we
stay wet and angry.




New Poetry by Wayne Karlin: “What Binds Us”

FROM THE BOMBS / image by Amalie Flynn

What Binds Us

I spent twenty-six years
in the jungle;
I was thirty years old
before I kissed a woman,
the Vietnamese poet said
and stared at
the American veterans
as if amazed at
what he had kissed instead.

In the war, he said,
his comrades had covered
his body with their own
to protect him
from the bombs
so he could finish
writing his poem,
although now
in his country
he fears there’s no one
who will understand
the language
in which it was written.




New Poetry by Kyle Hanton: “Deployment, 2017”

Eternal Dusk Sun
ETERNAL DUSK SUN / image by Amalie Flynn

 

The stars in the North Atlantic hide
for months behind an eternal dusk sun.
I can’t take comfort that we see the same stars
if I can’t see them at all; time passes
even though we’ve been apart for months
and the calendar says the days do, too.
Without the stars flickering or the hint
of clouds gliding through moonlight, I can’t tell.

I left Norfolk months ago and yesterday;
tomorrow, the next day, or ten years from now,
I’ll be home, greeted like Odysseus by Eumaeus:
a king returns to Ithaca and strings his bow.




New Poems by Rachel Rix: “Experimental Simulation of Joint Morphology During Desiccation;” “Second Deployment;” and “CO’s Canon”

HAIR OF THE WOMAN / image by Amalie Flynn

 

Experimental Simulation of Joint Morphology During Desiccation

In the dried-up river bed of the Helmand the body of a husband lies dead on the

hot cracked dirt. The hair of the woman married to the husband hasn’t been

washed in days. Her arms flex and hook the husband’s lower limbs. Dragging

him makes each step the woman takes heavier than the last. Vultures hover her

salt trail. Vast is what they see surround her. The daymoon watches too. Night

never comes only more heat magnified by the hours, searing the thin flesh

between vertebrae C-6 and C-7. The woman knows she’s blistering. Letting go

of her husband is not an option she thinks of.

 

Second Deployment

Our agreement was
only one. I have
difficulty carrying myself,

I—weightless. Rising
to the crags. Old world vulture
alone I sail for hours in the sky.

I eat my home. A pile of bones.
I’ve learned to crack open
what I cannot swallow,
a lamb’s femur. I am

bone breaker. Soft tissue drinker.

I eat his words.
I’m now dust bather.
Silent blood tracer.

I am burial maker.
Tossed knuckle
scraper. Someday he’ll find me
by the bed
in a pile.

There will be a hovering
and a hollowing.
No welcoming home.

 

CO’s Canon

If the cadence may be regarded as the cradle of tonality, the ostinato patterns can be considered the playground in which it grew strong and self-confident.

His green duffel bag
could have carried two of me inside.

Near the opening a faceless angel,
I try: Dearest,

because I’m tumbleweed,
but he never reads me.

There are more important things
to do, shake hands with soldiers

going out on mission,
because when you’re the commander

it’s about survival.

I didn’t need to take
that last glance.

Suddenly tyrannosaurus.
Angel’s sepia teeth baring.




New Poetry by Elisabeth Lewis Corley: “An Loc”

 

THE CHOPPING BLADES / image by Amalie Flynn

 

Someone is running, there,
just out of call.
We all hear the air beaten into waves,
the chopping blades. I am afraid
I will see a face, I will fall.
As it is the hand, small with distance
claps the air.

Listen, a bitter churning,
lungs roar, ragged like yours
on your morning run.
You are out of breath, we are out
here.

From blank distance the helicopters
return for another pass. I say,
Welcome back. Facts are your only friends,
they say. There is nothing
I wish to forget.




New Poetry by Patricia Hastings: “Dad”

SLOWLY IN THE DARK / image by Amalie Flynn

Dad

1950s father. Family man
as best he could.
Provided everything but
stories of his life.

I played army with his old canteen,
green backpack, wore his sergeant’s cap
in open fields, running bush to bush
avoiding bullets fired by Rick and Neil.

Nothing real about my war
No blood unless a briar scratch
Grass-stained jeans, home for supper
Pork chops, mashed potatoes, apple pie.

We liked Ike and flew our flag
Memorial Day and on the Fourth
No mention ever of the War
less than a decade past.

Eighth grade social studies essay question:
Did your soldier/father see combat?
I scrawl, No, he never left the states.
Didn’t watch men die. Or kill them. Not my dad.

He died of too much drink
Earnest citizen/father turning mean
though never loosening his tongue
to tell tales of army days.

Turns out you did see combat in the war.
Watch men die. And kill and kill again.
Your job: to fire fire into tunnels
where Japanese holdouts hid.

Creep slowly in the dark
nerves shriek, sweat stings.
Something moves! Throw your flames
Then hear screams and smell the burning flesh.

Did you sleepwalk through your life
wife and children just a dream,
stare at fireplace, Scotch in hand
while other ashes floated into focus?




New Poetry by Faye Susan: “I am the Daughter of a Storyteller”

The Deadlift Static / image by Amalie Flynn

 

The conversations I treasure with my father are when life is thick,
calibrated for someone with muscles, a la Arnold, circa 1970.

I don’t ask about the years sweating through C130 jet jammies,
the adrenaline squint and salt crusted glass like blinds, ripping lives
from frothing canines of rabid Bering Sea. The Memorial Day knells
and widows brine that drove him to coax groans from floorboards
into photographic memory of drab morning.

He doesn’t ask about the seams, healed to spiderweb white,
where the man who bound my finger in gold and stone, pressed
caustic knowledge into me until I driveled rust. Shrieks buzzing
like flies on pink fleshed roadkill, fermenting in oversized hoodies,
to manifest in sage half moons, under darting gaze.

We don’t talk about those things. We swirl coffee and cream.
We talk about the Boston cabby, with the bent nose and worse fender.
The enigmatic professor of poetry, who couldn’t say what anything means.
A poem is a poem. It means what it does.

In the deadlift static, we do nothing, curating mundanity.




New Poetry by Celeste Schueler: “In Oklahoma, Another Air Force Spouse Tells Me Starlings Are An Invasive Species” and “I First Compared You To A Blue Jay”

THE STARLINGS SWOOP / image by Amalie Flynn

 

In Oklahoma City, Another Air Force Spouse Tells Me Starlings Are an Invasive Species

The starlings swoop and
Fly in a union

To land on red dirt and
Daddy told me blackbirds

Carry disease and the images
Of my turbulent mood swings

Are blackbirds swelling
Their feathers in my chest

And I read that Females are
more likely to experience rapid

cycling and mixed states and
How come my disease does

Not swoop and fly in unison
But movements breaking my brain

Yet the starlings land like an
Electric current and a therapist friend

Tells me that ECT is different
Than The Bell Jar but the

Only sacrifices I’m willing to
Make are swallowing pills every-

Day and therapy twice a week
And according to the DSM-5

30% show severe impairment
in work role function and is

That why every job I’ve ever had
Gave me panic attacks and I

Watch the starlings fly
In a beautiful drove and I write

An essay about my moodiness as
Birds and another military spouse

Tells me that Pacific Northwest
Corvids are the smartest and

I wonder if the crow playing
With a yellow tennis ball

Is stability and the flock of
Starlings is what my pilot husband

Tells the passengers is
Rough air and if my

Brain will always be in
Flight when all I want is

To root in dark clay along the
Banks of the Mississippi and

Bury these moods in the swamp
And Carson McCullers wrote A most

mediocre person can be the object
of a love which is wild, extravagant

and beautiful as the poison lilies
of the swamp. And I realize

The learned love for my brain
Is growing like the annual

Peonies in the backyard and this
Brokenness is sinking into the Puget Sound.

 

I First Compared You to a Blue Jay

Three years before we met,
Friends tell me to stop reading
Virginia Woolf after my suicide
Attempt and an ex-boyfriend
Gifts me a burned CD of
The Beatles at Easter––

I delete and block all my exes
But I keep The Complete Tales and Poems
of Edgar Allan Poe and the Drew Brees
Jersey and tell my therapist I want to
Be a writer and my psychiatrist still
Won’t diagnose me––

In Oklahoma City, you sit quietly in the
DBSA meeting with me and count out
My pills and I keep all the voicemails from
Your deployments and now in this
Future I still question your apologies because
I can’t believe you still love me––

I watch crows rifle through an overturned
Garbage can and a woman in a DBSA
Meeting says not to tell anyone your
Diagnosis because they will use it against
You and the ice split parts of the mimosa
Tree in Altus and I tell you I won’t be
Going back––

Your hands find mine as the word
Disabled sits between us and the
Invasive bamboo is growing in our flowerbeds
Again and I confess the guilt because I
Need you more than you need me and
I’m reminded of the blue jay diving into
Trees and the lone cardinal is locked inside
Me and you have the keys.




Review of Sheila Dietz’s The Berry and the Bee

The Berry and the Bee

Reading Sheila Dietz’s The Berry and the Bee is like biting into a delicious pie of luscious words, imagery, and pregnant subtext. The chapbook explores enduring themes of joy, loss, health, and more, through an expert handle on the use of line, word choice, and imagery.

Her poetry is rarely sentimental or wildly emotional, but rather steady, wise, and quietly observational. Even when writing about a near sexual assault by a stranger while hitchhiking as young girls in “Desert Stargaze (1970),” Dietz takes the approach by narrating the scene rather than delving into the emotional and psychological impact of the experience – a distance that broadens a space for the reader to have their own experience while reading the poem. And yet, when one begins to really sit with the poems, one begins to realize that the calm cadence and measured unfurling of details actually belie a turbulent, violent, and tragic world. In “Ecosystem Disruption – as a haibun,” Dietz writes about how a new building irrevocably changes the natural landscape she has grown quite familiar with, describing the “Styrofoam cup, some soggy matchsticks,” and how the water “bleeds” out into the sea.

Dietz’s poems call us to ponder the magic in the everyday, such as in her poem “Hidden Shoes,” which beautifully paints an image familiar to many of us – “A shaft of sunlight angled low crawls/across a wooden ledge that holds/a house sparrow nest” where a pair of shoes are found during a home repair project. Dietz muses on the origins of these shoes in a playful unraveling of thoughts, ending with – “who knows whether these shoes dance at night./I think they might.” Such musings are much needed in a time when information enters our attention at a lightning speed, barely allowing us to register what is right in front of us.

The Berry and The Bee is a jaunt through the mind of a writer for whom place and objects vibrate with meaning, and this reader thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to reconnect with the world through this lens.

Purchase a copy at Itasca Books.




New Poetry by Sara Shea: “Customs”

To U.S. Soil / image by Amalie Flynn

Coming through US Customs from Ecuador
the passport agent asks if I have anything to declare.

I know he doesn’t mean the duty free,
exotic perfume or rare cigars.
He isn’t referring to bitter cacao or
sun-sweetened coffee beans.

Granted, I’ve stashed a few seeds in my pocket.
Granadilla seeds, wrapped in foil-
that last snack I ate in the courtyard
with my grandparents in Guayaquil.
This isn’t his concern.

Coming through US Customs from Ecuador,
the passport agent asks if I have anything to declare.

I envision my grandparents sipping sangria
along El Malecon in the 1940’s,
dreaming of a fortune in rice, bananas, oil-
running those early tankers through
the Panama canal. It was a marvel then!
They were betting on a love that would outlast
malaria, revolutions, temptations, typhoons.

Coming through the Department of Homeland Security
from Ecuador, into Miami International Airport,
the passport agent asks if I have anything to declare.

I should declare the apologies. The explanations.
The what-if’s. The missing photographs.
The heartaches that have haunted
my grandparents, their parents, their children.

Coming through customs on to US soil,
I could declare that the actions and decisions
of one generation stretch exponentially
through families for decades to come.
Instead, I shrug, knowing seeds easily drift
from their roots in winds of change.

The passport agent asks my reason for travel.
I reply, “family.”
He nods, calls me an American and
stamps my passport.




New Poetry by Benjamin Bellet: “What Was It Like?”; “Zero Five Thirty”; “West Point”

Once Again Spreading / image by Amalie Flynn

 

What Was It Like?

Over-lit airport terminals

or the rifle range at night,
the first tracer

crackling in night vision
over pale green hills. Or—

a group of souls
preparing

to die together,

the plane shuddering
in its evasive bank,

our eyes knowing

for once
each other. Or—

relation based
not on preference

but direst need.

The livid explosion
we invited,

then flinched.

Thousands of miles.

 

Cadet
(West Point, N.Y.)

On restriction to barracks

for dereliction of duty
(otherwise known

as sleeping through classes),

you look beyond
the window.

Clad in gray
Civil War-era uniforms,

a broken succession

of nineteen-year-olds
walk through the snow

at right angles,

flinching at the chill
across their razor-burn,

the wind off the Hudson.

West of the river
atop Battle Monument

stands winged Fame,

her bronze pinions cut
into the overcast.

In your room
sits you.

A bit too warm,

the floor fresh-cleaned
with Mop & Glo,

dry-cleaned wool pants
hanging over

stacked tins
of shoe polish

in the congestion of New York
midwinter air.

You loved back then

to sleep, hovering
in un-location,

absolved until
the dread summed to

the impossibility

of being again
late for formation,

running cold water
then the razor

over that same
old rash—Now, somewhere

down the hallway

the boot-squeak,
hoot and snicker

of men making
their weekend exit

for nearby Newburgh,
the last door-slam,

that triumph

of silence
once again spreading

 

Zero Five-Thirty
(Fort Riley, KS)

From the hilltop down,

the base is rimmed by a crust
of bluish signs

glowing somewhat
appealingly at dawn—

pawn shops, strip clubs,
quick-cash stores.

The fragmented receptacles
for the nightly outflux

of dirty dollar bills,

leftover sand,
hard-ons and sweat.

Flitting between
blackout shades,

the vague milky secretions

of our half-drowned
dull and brightest, now

making their way back up
to formation.

Their bass-notes drift

across endless plains
of identical duplexes

where their families still sleep.

Sunrise comes soft
as a bloody nose.

Groups of men
jog past in squares.




New Poetry by Loretta Tobin: “In the Dead Man’s Seabag” and “River City”

Condition River Shitty / image by Amalie Flynn

 

In The Dead Man’s Seabag

On top of clean uniforms,
his Bible rested,
a well-worn photo
of his wife and two sons,

tucked inside with a letter—
We love you
and miss you.
Hurry home.

A blue ribbon marked
First Thessalonians,
where he had underlined—
Be joyful always;

pray continually;
give thanks.

 

River City

As you wait
for my promised letter,
I count the slowly flooding
minutes of condition river shitty,
like a meteorologist watching
a crest stage gage, helpless
to stem the overflow
as it breaches. I can’t reach
through this void, extend
my fingers to brush yours,
can’t lift and spin you in a hug.
An AH-64 Apache helicopter
encountered hostile fire,
casualties confirmed.
Waiting as the Army notifies
next of kin, I thank God
they’re not coming to you.
I pray for those in the way
of fate, grateful my destiny,
today, is only to make you wait.




New Poem by John Thampi: “Ad Memoriam”

AM A PART / image by Amalie Flynn

 

Here’s to not killing yourself
P with DA issued narcotics
with Deer Hunting Rifles
PRecreation what life left
in forest PUUUin sand
Pin the White Throne Room
where you sat among
Pblood & brothers
and the Valkyrie your sisters
Pwhen you raised up your call
sign like a prayer
Pand called down hell
fire in our age
Pwhere our every battle is
ragnarok and you wept
Pwithout shamePU in salute
and the throng of well wishers

I am a part

the kind you met
at the arrival gate
shook hands and welcomed back
visitors
if there is anyone
Welcome Back
the kind that could mark
your wounds by
your inabilities
to speak to speak to listen
in anything but blast fragments
the kind that never knew
the certainty of steel
and the strength of the wild flowers
as you patrolled with men
and ate alone
for what company
is there in men?

leaving the divided house
Pand the black tent
the cry of the delivery room
Pand the shout of the bedroom
racing into the crackling fire
Pthat you mistook for sunrise
the distant moon
Pthat you mistook for friend
the laughter of wolves
PWe allowed to circle us in
and lay to rest
PWe refuse to rest

warring till our company arrives
Pwarring till our company arrives
warring for our company who holds the line
in blood and breath and life itself
here’s to not killing
yourself.




New Poetry by Kathleen Murdough: “He Signed Up”

Are My Midnights / image by Amalie Flynn

 

“This is what he signed up for,”
my mother says when
my brother graduates from West Point.
He always wanted to be a soldier,
so she and I pin the bars on his shoulders.
He’s twenty-two, we’re fighting two wars,
and one will come for him in the end,
but first it comes for our friends.
Kills one in the summer, and then
it comes for my brother, too, and
takes all
the light with him.
His dawns are my midnights.
We talk over the noise of firefights.
For an entire year
I don’t sleep or write
because poetry can’t abide the war-
not yet-
The phone rings at 2AM, and
at first, I think he’s dead.
He’s not.
But he’s not coming home.
He’s going to Baghdad instead.
This is the moment I don’t forgive.
120 days of moments come after,
and years I spend trying to
recapture his laughter.
Sometimes, I look at him
and still see the war
that I never signed up for.




New Poetry by Devin Mikles: “Telegram to Mrs. Sargent”

BLUE POWDER SMOKE / image by Amalie Flynn

ONLY MUDDY BOOTS AND HELMETS CAKED RUSTING
ROTTING IN STEAMING GREENHOUSES STICK UP
FROM DECAYED REMAINS CAUSED BY DETESTABLE
HUMAN ANGER VENT BY WORLD POLITICAL
COMPANY FOUNDED ON INORDINATE DESIRE. STOP.
BLUE POWDER SMOKE SIFTS THROUGH THIN LIGHT
RAYS AMONG MANY OTHERS YOUR SON ARRIVED HERE
TODAY SHORTLY AFTER MORTAR FIRE
STOPPED ON PHENOM PHENH. STOP.
PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGOD

Devin Alaric Mikles

Colorado Springs, Colorado 1976




New Poetry by Aramis Calderon: “Loyal”

THE DESERT ROADSIDE / image by Amalie Flynn

 

We saw a stain on the desert roadside.
The moist spot wasn’t from an emptied spit
bottle or a planned checkpoint alongside
the route to stop and relieve the unit.
It wasn’t a bloodstain from a gun fight,
where men and rifles roared and proved their worth.
It was diesel used to compact dirt tight,
to leave no impression of disturbed earth.
I followed my CO. He dug for the bomb.
I did not call for help or special gear.
I failed to think of a prayer or psalm.
I stood with him, too loyal to show fear.
He talked the whole time about his ex-wife,
said she’s the biggest mistake of his life.




New Poetry by Carol Alexander: “Late of Somewhere in the East”

AREAS GRAYED OUT / image by Amalie Flynn

 

Here is his daughter in a mustard seed bauble
bearing the initials M.S. And this is the hyena’s claw
that dug up ash-cloud & gold putrescent tooth
yet I had to ask, who, how many.

I was all trust and confiding hands. This is a snap of the destroyer
on which a body tried to come clean in hard water.
Here, too, memory’s ineradicable scum
rendered as the famous scream.

There is the miniature house where we four never slept very well –
was it only chance, the refugee street? We moved among them
death in the pocket, the cue ball rolling on felted grass.
These are the countries that stirred fear

around the fragrant globe, whole areas grayed out.
The affinity of heart with ice
a chicken stripped of feathers, candles for new blackouts.
In truth, M.S. sired no children but the wild mustard

boiled down for soap. Still, bees pierce yellow & lungwort
duple lobes which marry seed to breath, Everything
came of that nothing on the street of transliterated names,
gardens where none would bury psalm or song.




New Poetry by Rachel Landrum Crumble: “Against Urgent Brilliance”

CRACKING EARTH’S MANTLE / image by Amalie Flynn

 

My brilliance is slow-growing as magma.
And that’s my fault, like the San Andreas:
consequential, but maybe not this year.

My brilliance has dimmed
in the silver drawer,
polished for company
who never comes.

Meanwhile, I’m cracking
Earth’s mantle way below,
and above, work shoes walk
dirt roads, or city sidewalks,
finding fault. Whose fault is it
when everything firm is now shaken?

Someday I’ll blow,
and carve a fiery blackening river
out of a tropical forest
to your door.

My urgency has waited
a thousand years.
Now I’m here.




New Poetry by Nathan Didier: “Hearts and Minds”

We Came To / image by Amalie Flynn

We came to provide help that you didn’t want.
We came to provide security you didn’t need.
We came to provide schools that you didn’t care about.
We came to provide a government that didn’t work.
We came to provide democracy you didn’t understand.
We came to provide infrastructure you wouldn’t take care of.
We came to provide a better life that you didn’t ask for.
And we kept spilling our blood and couldn’t understand how you could be so ungrateful.




New Poetry by Rachel Rix: “Experimental Simulation of Joint Morphology During Desiccation,” “Second Deployment,” “CO’s Canon”

I Weightless Rising / image by Amalie Flynn

Experimental Simulation of Joint Morphology During Desiccation

In the dried-up river bed of the Helmand the body of a husband lies dead on the
hot cracked dirt. The hair of the woman married to the husband hasn’t been
washed in days. Her arms flex and hook the husband’s lower limbs. Dragging
him makes each step the woman takes heavier than the last. Vultures hover her
salt trail. Vast is what they see surround her. The daymoon watches too. Night
never comes only more heat magnified by the hours, searing the thin flesh
between vertebrae C-6 and C-7. The woman knows she’s blistering. Letting go
of her husband is not an option she thinks of.

 

Second Deployment

Our agreement was
only one. I have
difficulty carrying myself,

I – weightless. Rising
to the crags. Old world vulture
alone I sail for hours in the sky.

I eat my home. A pile of bones.
I’ve learned to crack open
what I cannot swallow,
a lamb’s femus. I am

bone breaker. Soft tissue drinker.

I eat his words.
I’m now dust bather.
Silent blood tracer.

I am a burial maker.
Tossed knuckle
scraper. Someday he’ll find me
by the bed
in a pile.

There will be a hovering
and a hollowing
No welcoming home.

CO’s Canon

If the cadence may be regarded as the cradle of tonality, the ostinato patterns can be
considered the playground in which it grew strong and self-confident.

His green duffel bag
could have carried two of me inside.

Near the opening a faceless angel,
I try: Dearest,

because I’m tumbleweed,
but he never reads me.

There are more important things
to do, shake hands with soldiers

going out on mission,
because when you’re the commander

it’s about survival.

I didn’t need to take
that last glance.

Suddenly tyrannosaurus.
Angel’s sepia teeth baring.




New Poetry by Douglas G. Campbell: “The President’s New Children’s Crusade”

The Mudweary Bringing / image by Amalie Flynn

The President’s New Children’s Crusade

We are the mudweary
bringing the blossoms of death.
We are the Contras, the blessed,
liberty’s torching lames us,
we are the old children.
shredding night’s humid serenity.
bombs unleashed are our laughter.
we are the young men of war.

We are the death marchers
who slink through the mountain,
one endless serpent of soldiers
sent to strangle our enemies;
The president sends us
with his blessing, blesses us
with his sending, blesses
the bleeding.

There is no need for interceding,
for the Sandinistas
are infidels wrapped in red,
red in their wrapping;
rapping on doors in the night.
Contras are the bringers of light
rapoing indoors when we might,
we bring the light to the burning,
always discerning the right,
the right. After the bellies
are emptied of babies,
after the buildings are belching,
their flames springing higher
we scatter, no matter the plunder,
the thunder roars through the dark,
the spark of freedom is lighted,
ignited.

We are innocents marching,
we are the crusaders of death,
new life we bring our nation,
new breath, new salvation our message.
We have the president’s blessing
he sends us the blessing of rending,
his blessing is drowned
in the bleeding.

 

 

 




New Poetry by Sylvia Baedorf Kassis: “Detritus”

 

“Bullets 1.0” by Sylvia Baedorf Kassis (acrylic, ink, gesso, rust and found shell casings)

Detritus

You can tell me
that what happens
PUUUupon the soil
PUUUUUUUUUbeneath our feet
does not matter

that the violence –
PUUUgunpowder
PUUUbullets
PUUUlandmines
PUUUblood spilled
PUUUand rot of bones and flesh
does not affect the terroir

that the terror
over centuries
on land –
PUUUdisputed
PUUUand stolen
PUUUfought over
PUUUconquered
PUUUand lost
is not ad infinitum
buried in this graveyard
PUUUUUUUUUUUUcalled home

You cannot tell me
that what happens
PUUUupon the soil
PUUUUUUUUUbeneath our feet
does not matter

that the battles –
PUUUsweeping or contained
PUUUas enemy or ally
are not eternally captured in the earth
PUUUdust inhaled and ingested
PUUUUUUUUUbut also embedded
PUUUUUUUUUUUUin our collective consciousness
like a rusty compass
nestled in the palm of each newborn child
PUUUUUUUUUUUUits arrow clearly pointing
PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUto the forever trenches
PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUof inheritance.




New Poetry by Richard Epstein: “The Dance”

WITH A BURST / image by Amalie Flynn

 

I can still see it.
I hit him with a burst from my M16.
He jumped up and danced.
Everything gray.
Bamboo stood silent
and lowered its leaves.
The earth stood still.
Breathe! I said.
Breathe!

 




New Poetry by Ellie J. Anderson: “Impact, 1984”

WALL OF ROCK / image by Amalie Flynn

 

We hike toward a waterfall cascading
through a split in the wall of rock above us.
A crow soundlessly slices a shadow
across the field of snow.
One breath, and the bird is gone.

At the tree line, the tail section
of an airplane, the metal edges ripped
and ragged, stands shiny in the twisted
alpine firs.
The engines lie in the shallow creek,
water pouring over cylinders.
Scrub cushions one wing, the other
is charred into rock,
the ground littered with pieces
I can hold in my hand:
aluminum with buttons, rivets, zipper
heads, upholstery, and jacket fabric
melted into lumps.
In one, the fingertip of a leather glove,
a bobby pin.
It happened in nineteen forty-eight.
A cargo plane clipped the ridge
in a blizzard. Six men died. One woman.
The color of her hairpin tells me she was blond.
The townspeople saw
a fiery flash in a night sky filled with snow.
In daylight, fighting drifts and high winds,
they dragged the bodies out in bags on toboggans.

This would be a good place to leave
your spirit. In the silence,
the wind breathes over the ridge,
and water trickles beneath a layer of ice
that turns blue as it melts into itself.
Gentians and Indian paintbrushes
in the meadow throw their colors
against the rocks.
And the delicate columbine, pale
yellow and pink, only blooms in August.




New Poetry by David Burr: “Harvest”

HARVEST OF THOSE / image by Amalie Flynn

 

PUTTTI don’t know whether war is an interlude
PUTTTduring peace, or peace an interlude during war.
PUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT-French Prime Minister Georges Clemenceau, 1919

Hurl of metal – iron, steel – as shrapnel,
as bail hail, as HE detonation, all
forged and spit out again with new fire,
matériel barrae, meat-mincer for
extruding the mortal mettle of mere men.
The sowing and the reaping are all one –
short is the harvest of those born to it.
After the wrecking, reaping, reckoning,
all are scuppered on the killing field,
khaki men with hopes of home snuffed out.
Sheaves of men scythed down mid the muck-mire-mud,
bowels churned with the disemboweled earth, red wet.
Gravity flows to the lowest reach, but not
here in the gorge of this blood-gutted earth,
saturated but not satiated.
On and on this crimson stain will drain,
young men will come to fill the gap – futile
like a record where the sylus is stuck
in the groove over and over again –
out of trenches to fatal, final ground.
They die individuals, but banal
as communally their yield is too large –
none a hero in this no-winners game
nor a tragedy – just raw statistics.
All that grieve them soon too, to oblivion.
After this Great War comes the entr’acte
before World War roman numeral II,
just in time for those who survived and bred
to lose their sons in the next harvesting.
Never an end, merely an ellipsis …




New Poetry by Jayant Kashyap: “The War”

A NIGHT KNOWS / image by Amalie Flynn

The War

“The war continues working, day and night.”
The War Works Hard, Dunya Mikhail

It has a way of knowing people,
the way a night knows our stories.

Everything’s quiet, then you learn to fall,
deeply. It’s said how you approach an issue

says a lot about you,
PUUUbut how do you approach war?

Everything quiet – almost
at peace – when you learn to fall. Deeply.

And even the night changes its colour.
The dawn is difficult to accept.

Your palms have broken into little chips
of stone, which you will either throw

at people or swallow yourself.
In the kitchen, the water’s boiled, the pan

is ready for eggs. The child you sent out
to get some bread hasn’t made it back.

In the news: everywhere, the streets
PUUUhave learnt the meaning of blood.

 

 

 




New Poetry by Phillip Sitter: “Krakivets, Odyn” and “Elemental”

WINDOW / image by Phillip Sitter

 

Krakivets, Odyn

I wasn’t a medical volunteer – only came in with a backpack, an overweight suitcase,
all the baggage of the past eight months and a heart to pump into here
the ability to stop someone’s bleeding in whatever capacity and degree I could.

But that would’ve been too much nuance for that moment,
with me just being able to count to not much more than eight in Ukrainian
and the guard’s English and tone more apt to counting to three.

I’ve already forgotten some of the exact nuances of that moment.
Did the guard ask me through the open car door, over the empty driver’s seat in the dark, “What were you doing in Ukraine?” or something more like “What brought you to Ukraine?”

For almost a week? Your first time, with emphasis on now?
Incredulity, perhaps, that someone would choose to come to a war,
unarmed, at least in the Kalashnikov sense.

Was he holding such an automatic rifle, a worn cousin of the one I’d fired       in Texas -just precaution-or was it only a fellow guard I saw cradling the legacy of an empire chasing again the impossibility of restoring itself

by unloading                terror upon
and blasting                    through flesh
of people                           like him or me?

I tried to answer the guard’s questions but he got frustrated
and he waved us on to keep the line of hundreds of vehicles moving toward Poland,
as foreign fire engines and weapons re-supplies for firefights came in the other direction.

And with that, we crossed the line — after the Polish guards searched the car, anyway.
One side, the imminent threat of death from the sky above — and not on the other.

Those night skies, no light on the ground to obscure the stars or guide the drones.
I slept well, except when I cried myself to sleep the last night in Kyiv at the thought
of having to leave you, brother, in all this.

Your big windows in Lviv didn’t bother me much.
Neither did the lights in the sky out your windows in Kyiv,
lights that moved in the darkness.

 

Elemental

Hydrogen, the sun’s power
sends light 93 million miles
to give life to the sunflower
that stands for hope in all our trials.

Nitrogen and phosphorous, they make the sunflower fields more fertile.
When used in explosives and incendiaries, they add more shock and awe to a projectile.

Oxygen, the spark of life in my lungs.
I would give you the last of it from my chest,
my last breaths, if suited best,
for a continuance of your song to be sung.

Heavy stuff, uranium.
It’s not all gone as quickly as in a flash,
not for many or most.
Did I mention half-life with strontium-90?
Like calcium, it seeks bones as hosts.

Carbon, the basis of life as we know it.
If I had to, could I recall any debt to be owed it?

Could all I’ve ever sent off to be recycled
be traded to rebuild your body, your blood, your soul?
Enough to make you whole?
With enough left over to also recreate the man shot off his bicycle?

Our bonds are strong.
Between two hearts, two time zones.
Subatomic critical mass, but love more than chemistry and physics alone.




New Poetry by Shawn McCann: “All I Can Do Is Watch” and “No Way To Fight Back”

DONE WITH MOONS / image by Amalie Flynn

All I Can Do Is Watch

It’s 0400
on a bridge crossing over
the Tigris River.
Qayyarah is a town along its fertile banks,
15,000 people call it home.
I wonder how long it has been here,
how many times conquered
and rebuilt.

On the outskirts lies an oil field,
it’s where I live.
The wooden walls
of this makeshift bunker
in the sand
wouldn’t stop an attack,
just slow it down.

Surrounded by blackness,
my mind wanders valleys of homesickness,
forced to breathe toxic air,
flanked by those who want to kill
my invasive body, parade it
through the streets.

A bright light hits the oil field,
shakes the ground.
Movement on the hill to the north—
I call it in.

Orange flames rise in oxygen,
twirl in mirthful celebration,
the smoke swirling higher,
my life forever changed and
all I can do is watch.

 

No Way to Fight Back

I can smell the exhaust from
the plane that’s taking me home.

Standing in line to board the whale,
maw open wide to let us inside.

Air forming breath in the illume,
I’m done with moons in this hemisphere.

These stars, still foreign to me.
Even at the end, I know I don’t belong

in a land of sharp sand, the broken
glass bowl of democracy.

This land won’t let me leave, though.
Raining metal explodes my dreams of home;

swarming red flames engulf
the surrounding canvas. The sound

catches the light, knocks me flat
to the ground as alarms blare attack,

bullets ricochet off cold slabs.
And just like that, I’m crouched inside,

cold-cocked by the reality of
no way to fight back.




New Poetry by Kathleen Hellen: “People Boats” and “Pretending There Is A Garden In The Spring, Paradise In Time”

DREAMS SWELL LASHED / image by Amalie Flynn

people boats

dreams swell/ lashed to circumstance in Syria/ in Gambia/ launched from Libya in leaky rubber chugs to birdless deep/ chugs w/ floor of feet w/ canopy of arms like 700 starfish sweating/ surfing demons/ keeling keening groaning spinning ferment/ tossed estrange/ the black moon sinking into raucous mucus maelstroms/ cataract of violet distress/ the turbulence of orange sun/ bursting over flotsom/ boats adrift/ boats repelled/ prison haulers fatal w/o water, w/o air fatal in shrieking rescue/ panicked sea/ 10 hours tossed to grief/ where vomit waters sweep the beaches gnawed by ruptured rubber masses/ huddled under searchlights/ infant wish:: democracy

 

pretending there is garden in the spring, paradise in time

this silk and golden weft that weaves
its vines through field and forest
this intricate design atop a kingdom
of the dying, above the restless thread
of streets, the rot beneath:: Deep
the sleep of mouse and wren, the carcasses
of crickets. The desiccated corpses
of the moths. Beneath the flowers all
dyed dismal, dog and possum disemboweled,
little deer with tongue stuck out, the rat
beheaded, like video of hostage




New Poetry by David Dixon: “Last Night, I Dreamed of the Korengal”; “Look at This Thing We’ve Made”; and “War Poetry”

DAPPLING THE FOREST / image by Amalie Flynn

Last Night, I Dreamed of the Korengal

boulders like giants’ teeth
the kind of giant that will grind your bones for bread
jut out of the ridge like
molars from a bleached jawbone in profile against
green terraces draped over the hillsides
like a silk robe on the floor
while above me the tall necks of pines
tower to the sky
dappling the forest with the light of an afternoon
perhaps the last afternoon, for

the dark windows of flat-roofed houses
skulls with empty eye sockets
stare down at us
the stare of the dead
at those that soon will join them

rounds snapping around me like the angriest of hornets
stingers of copper poison of lead

overhead the four-bladed locusts hover
stings in their tails
as prophesied by John on Patmos
but who
even in his wildest nightmares
his fever-dreams of sickness or madness
could not have

dreamed of the Korengal

Look At This Thing We’ve Made

I.

Wife
Look at this thing
we’ve made

toothless, shriveled, red-faced, howling
at the world
with every breath

we love it as we’ve never loved
anything else
this perfect child we’ve only just met
yet now could never bear to part from

II.

Daddy
Look at this thing
I’ve made

a picture of a brown horse, riding
across a narrow strip of green grass
along the bottom of the page
white house on the left
with four pink windows
the sky coming down blue like the sea
to meet the grass and the horse
and the house
blue filling up every crevice

blue like her eyes wide when she smiles

isn’t it beautiful

of course it is
it is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen
and it hangs now on the refrigerator
next to last week’s spelling test
and drawing of a unicorn in the snow

III.

Son
Look at this thing
I’ve made

long and cold
it is all black steel, aluminum
grooved and machined
to perfect precision, tolerances
of less than a millimeter

slide the magazine into the well
pull back the charging handle
let it go
hear how it slides
hear that satisfying snap
of the round riding home into the chamber

see this here
wherever that red dot is
is where the bullet goes

easy

with it in your hands you need not fear
need not worry
you are a man among your fellow men

son of Aries himself

IV.

Class
Look at this thing
you’ve made

poster for the classroom door
so everyone knows it’s us
Mrs. Foster’s Wiggleworms

a picture you’ve each drawn of yourselves
all hair standing on tops of heads and glasses too big for faces
heads without ears
smiles nothing more than little curved lines
dots for eyes

and each of you did so well
adding a picture of something you love
yellow and brown triangles with red circles
pepperoni pizza
puppy dogs and kitty cats
Pokémon and Captain America’s shield
the sun above flowers
a drawing of the beach
blue waves meeting
a line of brown sand

I love it
Wiggleworms

V.

America
Look at this thing
we’ve made

holes in the wall
pockmarks in the cinderblock
splinters of the door
blasted into the hallway
broken glass from windows
designed in other times by unwitting architects
to let in sunlight
so children would feel connected with the wider world around them
but which instead admitted
the gaze of inchoate rage

floor slick with blood
in lines where bodies earlier so bright with promise
were dragged by their classmates
teachers
police
strangers to another room
to be identified

by wailing parents and sobbing siblings
instead of by a poster of their favorite things

Look at this thing
we’ve made

War Poetry

soldiers are poets.

rifles fire
in staccato rhythm:
the beat poetry
of bullets snapping back and forth in lines
that sing

and sting.

machineguns talk like lovers
arguing back and forth.

desperate orders are
earnest haikus
the quiet in the loud.

reloads our enjambments.




New Poetry by Cheney Crow: “The Grey Phone”

ON MY STREET / image by Amalie Flynn

The Grey Phone

The Tet Offensive, 1968

Lights on, lights off.

The scrambler phone howled
on my father’s desk
during Vietnam.
Mostly late at night.

Somewhere, the enemy.

A regular sequence
for dads on my street.
First the phones, grey with no dial,
a red light blazing with its siren howl.

Somewhere, the enemy.

Then the ruffle of staff cars
pulling up to collect the men
on our silent, guarded
street. Lights on, lights off.

Keeping us safe.

The deep rumble of inboard motors
at the dock. Three blocks away,
the boat drove the men across the Potomac,
a machine gun mounted mid-deck.
The Tet offensive.

Keeping us safe.

They did their best. It wasn’t enough.
My father shook his head that politicians
would try what the French under DeGaulle
couldn’t manage in twenty years.

Somewhere, the enemy.

One father on our street had two sons:
one went as a pilot. The other, conscientious
objector, chose oceanography.
He loved them equally. We played chess.
One father died. Also one son.

Somewhere, the enemy.

I played guitar and sang folk songs at hospitals,
ward to ward, for air-evacuated wounded,
the most severe. Hard to look at, but
some of them smiled at a teenage girl.


Nixon ended the draft to be more popular.
Politicians do things like that.

Keeping us safe.

All the dads on my street were against the war.
They threatened to resign en masse
unless we got our prisoners back.
Lights on, lights off.

Somewhere, the enemy.

Nixon ended the draft to be more popular.
Politicians do things like that.
All the dads on my street were generals.
They did their best. It wasn’t enough.

 




New Poetry by Joshua Folmar: “Sudoku”

A REMOTE DETONATION / image by Amalie Flynn

Sudoku

Death? She’s your final lover, playing
the numbers of this cosmic game—set
between lines on an overlaid map

of patrol routes winding through wadis
deserted in Iraq—here’s shrapnel
fragment: zone 3, row 2, column 1.

The first time she came, she was like fire-
crackers: pounding down the dirt, skirting
the stack with sweat and AK rounds.
Chute down and right 2 columns. Death swears
she’ll never betray me; promises we’ll
be together soon—gives me dysentery.

She keeps me at a distance, shitting
in Gatorade buckets on post. She’s
such a tease not to finish me off.

Humbling me, she pulls the ego from
my chest: a puzzle I tried to solve,
but I couldn’t get the numbers right.
The 9’s looked like electrical wire
sticking out sandbags of IEDs—
she was a remote detonation

at the town square’s edge, jacking my head
off at block 8, row 7, column 6—
click. We made the news at 5 today.

The TV in this dusty bardo
switches from news to daily numbers—
Play? What for? Where are you, Habibti?




New Poetry by Lawrence Bridges: “Time of War and Exile” and “Taking an Island”

THE BROKEN LAND / image by Amalie Flynn

TIME OF WAR AND EXILE

Delicate horse feathers climbing the bier,
Rhesus monkeys playing sincerely with bombs,
Alouette, the weightlifter, seasons the vegans’ food
with the rillerah and finds Roger dozing
among bananas.
PUUUUUHistory is pleased by turnabouts
none can explain nor defend because they’re dead.
If only we’d noticed that it was primal
behavior going back eons that was on display –
No war, no truth, no civility – the beards grow over
niceties that fast! Then we make peace to survive.
No wise hand placates the broken land, nor kisses
the clan that feeds it. I watch myself
display courage in emptiness. With emptiness,
every hour is the same, a wait for exile
from the churning heart long separated
from its homeland.
TAKING AN ISLAND

The stations in my head
broadcasting jazz and news since
VJ-Day almost
have witnessed everybody
escaping annihilation
almost,
and I’m loading material
bare-chested on a beach
in the tropics, a sniper
in a nearby palm playing Bach.
I have nothing but the memory
of home and her
tattooed on my arm,
the caressing lagoon
at my ankles
a whiff of plumeria
as I carry my weight,
swift bullet whizzing toward
my head



New Poetry by Marty Krasney: “Where We Are Now”

FEEL THE GRAVITY / image by Amalie Flynn

 

WHERE WE ARE NOW

Neruda wrote: You are mine; rest your dreams in my dream.
I wish that I could write that to you. I love you that much.
More. But because I do, I couldn’t. Couldn’t possibly.

We are approaching 80; the end is coming more and more into sight—
we’ve begun to feel it in our bones, our throats, even in our thoughts—
and women like you don’t rest their dreams in men’s dreams,
even in macho men’s, like the great Neruda’s. If they ever did.

You and I have had marriages that ended, spouses we watched die.
We have grandchildren, pensions, headaches, joint pains, and regrets
Books we started and will never finish, sweaters we haven’t worn for years.
Life promised so much and has given so much. If not everything.
Some of what we’ve done endures, some disintegrated to ashes, to dust.
You are my star, incandescent, lighting up the inevitable horizon.

As we complete the journey and feel the gravity of the black hole,
what can I offer you now, ask of you, try to provide?
Come in just a little closer and hold me even more tightly.
Walk alongside me, my love. Let’s lean on each other, lean together.
Wrap yourself around me and rest your warm old head on my old head.
Help me to remember. Help me to forget




New Poetry by Matthew Hummer: “Amortization”

JUST SAY IT / image by Amalie Flynn

AMORTIZATION
Carl showed me the chart
years ago, when we first
thought to buy a house.
But we wouldn’t write
a note saying she’d go back
to work the same hours
after birth. The under-
writer, in fluorescent office
by the two lane road
between golf course
and condo, wanted a wink-
wink. “Just say it.” A lie
worth a sixty thousand
dollar house, brick
row home with sagging
window frames and tilted
doors. A loan unto
death. Camus, I think,
pointed that out. Mort,
en francais.

PUUUUUUUUUUDianoia: How
you’ve led me astray.
Res publica. Fasces.
Words and phrases we use
without knowing the root.
Character in the play. “History.
History!” Dag Nasty said
at the end of a song: Now
that it’s gone just admit
it to yourself. Now that it’s gone
just admit it to yourself.
Drum rapid as the rumble
of a gasoline engine—leaded.
Army green paint.
Nova; V-eight.
From stop to start, shifting
up from floor to top.
Another typical youth…

Thirty years to pay
it off. The life of the loan,
more than two dog lives.
Not the lifetime guarantee
of a washing machine—the expected
lifetime of the appliance. Five
years? Seven? Fifteen
before nineteen
eighty. The green fridge
next to the coffee pot
kept milk for decades.
Vietnam to Iraq, outlasting
the man smoking cigarettes
on the concrete patio, feeding
peanuts to squirrels and telling
a child about the Battle
of the Bulge, the tank driver
who fell back in headless,
the German soldiers who “tried
to get away in the snow,”
the aristocrat’s sword the post
office stole from the box
he sent home.
PUUUUUUUUUUThe guarantee
spans the projected lifespan.
Lottery ticket, Camels,
Dominoes, V.A.,
Life insurance. Actuarial
predictions with cosign charts—
bodies in the morgue. Dead
reckoning. Except the Black
swan, clot-shot.
Dead cat bounce.
Bank-breaker. Mid-
life degeneration.
A rogue wave rises
and swallows the bobbing tanker.



New Poetry by Linnea George: “Course Correction”

QUESTION PATTERNS SLOWLY / image by Amalie Flynn

 

COURSE CORRECTION

they told me Jesus would save me
but i have done all of the footwork
down here
on the ground
rolling my sleeves up
seeing what i have
a father who hates me
a mother who ignores me
a heart who turns the tenderness of each moment
into a tornado
i do the work
ask questions
write down thoughts
understand learned behavior
question patterns
slowly
brick by brick
i build the church of my own presence
and the altar of my own body




New Poetry by Almyr Bump: “Plowing Water”

IN BROKEN GROUND / image by Amalie Flynn

 

Plowing Water

We return to nightmare
ground, looking over the scene

of the crime, the copper
reflection of little clouds

in the torpid, tainted
canal masking disquiet

and chaos created
in us. Toiling in soft sand

underneath a burden
that would make a mule bleat,

we bitch and moan when told
to drop the rucks. Now we must

dig in, not like blind moles,
but like crippled gravediggers

in broken ground started
by high angle hell. Mangled

sandbags and serrated
pieces of metal pulled from

dirt wounds, also a hand
only missing two fingers.

Using a bayonet,
we bury rancid, fetid

flesh in a hole, puking,
not worried about a name.




New Poetry by J.S. Alexander: “Sabat”

AWAY HE STAYS / image by Amalie Flynn

 

Sabat (Loyalty)

Dead bodies stop looking like bodies
after a certain point.

The face, like a popped milar balloon
with all the air blown out the top,

the legs, oddly angled, their bottoms
looking for all the world

like tubes of children’s toothpaste
unevenly squeezed.

No, the dead here never arrive in an
orderly manner, like in the movies.

This is Afghanistan, so they show up
carried in blankets or what’s left

of clothes, bandages waving
like May flags.

But they all go out the same way.

The mullah works systematically,
washing and praying, singsong in his labors.

Next to him, a step back Mortaza watches
them prepare his brother for the next life.

Mohammad Gul was the pride
of Ismail Khel.

Young, handsome, brave.  Funny.
Everyone said he was funny.

You don’t hear that much in Afghanistan,
someone being funny. As they lift what’s left

into the particle board box that looks like
an Ikea desk repurposed

hands seek to guide Mortaza out.  But
he pulls away, he stays.

He watches as they wrap Gul’s head in
cotton and prop it up on

pillows of cheap foam.  They spray him with Turkish
perfume from the bazaar, and then

drape the Afghan flag and the prayer rug over his
box, taping it down with rolls of

scotch tape.  Mortaza sniffs back a tear, both for
his brother and the debt

he knows he’ll now have to pay.  He’s not scared,
just tired, and knows

that somewhere, out in Lakan,  is a man he’s never
met but will kill, as the way demands.

When we walk out, together, my boots slip,
squeaking and squishing on the sodden, dirty
tile.




New Poetry by D.R. James: “Surreal Expulsion”

COAL BLACK TUNNEL / image by Amalie Flynn

 

Surreal Expulsion


PUT—for Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School


Fourteen chairs loiter, emptied, no young bodies
adjusting for the next lesson, hand-raising,
class-clown antic, contemplative talk, pat show
of teen contempt, rhythm beaten with pencil, palm,
bouncing knee, jouncing heal, wise-crack, step
in the impossible problem never to be solved.
Instead, more of the same news, the same vows
taxiing the hellish hallways of feigned intention
but never taking off—the same dazed moments
of the dead. Perhaps their freed spirits now see
through the coal-black tunnel of some eternity
right into the next school’s beehive of victims.
Perhaps they still shadow their three steady mentors
who stood staunch ground in the slow-motion flow
of high-speed ammo. The clip of names shoots holes
clean through law’s callous gut—

PUT_CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCAaron, Helena, and Alex,
Carmen, Peter, Cara, Chris, and Meadow,
PUT_CCCScott, Alaina, Martin, Alyssa, and Nick,
Jamie, Luke, Gina, and “Guac” Joaquin—

PUT_CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCwhose roll call
claims only an absurd third of a minute, while
their totaled lives witnessed nearly 5 thousand
wheels of the moon through some 75 trillion miles.
But unlike the pull of that implacable moon,
the glib fever of ‘prayers and condolences’ can’t
turn the tide of memory’s radiating its fixed
fissures scored by shards of glass and bone.
Here, we’re left to settle the moonscape of Too Late
for those whose expelled footsteps befuddle us.
And lauding immortality soothes no better. We
know we relax at our children’s peril, run rash risk
of shoring up the open/closed-carry-frenzied fight,
take false hope in the bundles of white-washed bills.
Anthony Borges took five bullets to shield twenty
surviving friends, sacrificed his soccer stardom
because somehow he knew what he had to do.
His lacerated back and shattered femur scream
in a language we now must teach across America.




New Poetry by Pawel Grajnert: “Michigan”

PARTICLES THAT FLOAT / image by Amalie Flynn

Michigan

Before the salmon-full,
PUthe alewife-less,
PUtropic blue
Mussel-filtered water,
Was a green lake
PUT_CCCCCCof indigenous fish.
A fishing industry.
Before that logging.
After eradication.
Before that trading.
Before that, words of people
comprehensible over
and around us –
Before most of ours –
PUthat’s the take,
PUTif you’re wondering –
Describing the bounty.
The ease of it.
The rise and fall
Of waves on an inland sea,
One of the great
Cycle-keepers.
Let the gunk go down its gullet
Is one way back to the true
Inheritance of all that violence.
The other is to let
The moist, rising earth –
PUthe great Kankakee –
Absorb – more than once more
The particles that float about,
PUand entomb them
In some future peat.



So Say We All and Wrath-Bearing Tree Collaborate!

In collaboration with So Say We All‘s Veterans Writing Division, founder Justin Hudnall and The Wrath-Bearing Tree‘s Andria Williams had the privilege of serving 21 veterans, active-duty servicemembers, and veteran family members over 2023 by providing four masterclasses followed by an intensive creative writing workshop.

We would like to thank our masterclass teachers, Abby Murray, Halle Shilling, Peter Molin, and Andria Williams for their inspired presentations on the aspects of craft; all of our wonderful participants; and California Humanities for supporting veterans in the arts.

So Say We All and The Wrath-Bearing Tree are proud to showcase a portion of our cohort below. We look forward to reading much more from them in the coming years.

***

***

Connie Kinsey: “The Letters”

In the old gray shoe box with the tattered red lid is four years’ worth of letters.  Most of them are addressed to my mother, but some are addressed to me. Many are written on onionskin and sealed in the familiar FPO airmail envelopes brightly colored red, white and blue. They crinkle and crackle when you touch them. My dad wrote these letters during his four tours of Vietnam–the first in 1966 and the final one in 1972.  

Those years he was away were hard on us all, but of course he took the brunt of it.  He left everything behind.  We missed him.  

He missed everything.

Those letters have been around the world, carted from base to base, and stored in one closet or another since the 1960s.  I have not read all of them yet.  I have not read most of them.

My mother gave me the letters with a warning.  To use her words, there are some pornographic parts. I imagine there might be. He was a young man away from the woman that almost sixty years later he would refer to as the love of his life. 

That’s not the reason I can’t bring myself to read them. I think I’m prepared to see my dad as a fully human male with a healthy sex drive. That might have been difficult when I was a teenager, but in all of those letters he is younger than I am now. Much younger.  The men he led much younger yet.

What I’m not prepared for are the spaces between the words -the things he doesn’t write about — the booby traps, the snipers, the dead bodies, the leeches, the cold c-rations straight from the can. At least, I don’t think he wrote about them.  But I don’t know.  Not yet.

I know of these abominations because I hang out in Vietnam veterans’ groups on Facebook. I never post. I just read. It’s research. The guys know I’m lurking there – I asked permission. I want to know what my dad, what they, went through, but I also don’t want to know. It’s like watching a horror movie while peeking through fingers.

My father, Captain Conrad L. Kinsey, always said the Marine Corps took him as a poor boy and turned him into an officer and a gentleman.  I’m quite sure there was nothing gentlemanly about Vietnam.  But he survived when so many didn’t. 

I adored my father. Most folks did. He was the officer and gentleman he wanted to be since seeing his first Marine in dress blues as a poor 9-year-old boy in Michigan. He had fulfilled a dream and took his oath seriously.

My dad was a commanding officer who lost thirteen of his men in a horrific battle on May 10, 1968, at Ngok Tavak near Chu Lai.  It was Mother’s Day.  They weren’t able to retrieve the bodies. That battle haunted him. Gave him nightmares.  Landed him in a psychiatric ward decades later.

A group of the survivors formed and held reunions every five years in Branson, Missouri. My father finally attended when a group of forensic anthropologists went to Vietnam and retrieved the bodies of his men.  Until they came home, he just couldn’t go. 

After his death, I was invited to attend what turned out to be the last reunion. It was held six months after his funeral.

I ended up drinking too much with a group of men who thought my father a fine gentleman and referred to him as their best commanding officer ever. I cried a lot, but I laughed a lot too.  I have a photograph of four of us – me and three older men, though not older by all that much, our arms around one another’s shoulders, broad smiles on our faces. 

They were able to say to me what they’d never said to their commanding officer.  I was able to ask them questions I’d never been able to ask my dad.  

We bonded that night.  I’m still in touch with some of them. 

It was an important weekend in my life and my grief.  Talking to those men helped me heal from my dad’s death. It had seemed as if the whole world just went on when mine was collapsing.  But those men that night – they remembered, and we remembered the man, the Marine, Captain Conrad L. Kinsey had been.

He’s been gone seven years now. His death was sudden and unexpected though his wounds never healed. He had severe post-traumatic stress disorder.  His experiences branded his heart, brain, and body.  Vietnam, Ngok Tavak and the thirteen who didn’t come home, especially, affected every experience he would have until the Sunday evening we found him dead. 

I’m writing a book of my experiences and his during the Vietnam war. I was young and having an idyllic childhood in Hawaii and then moody teen years in North Carolina. He was doing four tours in hell. Incorporating his letters into this book is important. I must read them.

I must.

*

Author’s note:

The 50th anniversary of the official end of that terrible terrible war is coming up soon – May 7, 2025.  It will be three days short of the 57th anniversary of the battle that broke my father. 

It’s time for me to begin. I can handle my dad’s sexuality, but I am not sure I can handle the unwritten words that became his post-traumatic stress disorder.  

I once had someone dear to me and eight years older say, “Vietnam was not a factor in my life.”  He said it as if tired of hearing my stories, tired of hearing my dad’s stories, bored by us both. I was stunned. He was the right age to serve but had a lucky draft number.  What privilege to have lived through such an era without it leaving a mark. How insolent and insular. 

Vietnam was a heavy load for my family – my father so much more than the rest of us, but we were scarred too. I cry when I open that box of letters. I will cry when I read the letters.  I hope to smile too.  To hear his voice as I read.  But the unknown of what’s in that box haunts me and I’m afraid to begin.

But…Semper fi, Daddy, Semper fi.  You rest in peace now.

– Connie Kinsey

***

George Warchol, “Service in the Middle”

Some inspire movies and books,
and others wind up in the news.
But for defenders with wrenches or keyboards in racks,
publicity wrecks our Service in Quietude.

And somewhere between the snipers and spies
are the middling faithful and true.
But no one tells stories about the comms guys,
they’re complex and they’re boring too.

Such as “Italy Went Dark” and the “Smurf Attack”
And “The Air Traffic Control System in Afghanistan is Down Again” too.
But the clever fixes among cables, and packets, and stacks…
They’re cool! But they would not interest you.

They say “All gave some, and some gave all”
and that’s true In Arms, sisters, and brothers.
But the defining phrase for answering the call, is
“Less than some; More than others”

Shep’rding the Team and The Job carried out,
that’s full time, and full effort, and much of what Service to Nation is all about.
But the pow’rs demand our grind and our continual waiting hurry,
“Waste yourself in OUR Way of Attainment! Or Be FOREVER Unworthy!”

“Climb the ladder, collect and achieve,
Stripes and baubles and slash up the sleeve!”
“Fill the reports with heroic deeds!”
“Promote!” “Promote!” MAKE them believe!

And like promotes like and after evil doth enter,
the Teeth of the Grinder do harden and render
Honesty’s kernel as powder in blender,
seeking to crush and to force The Surrender.

But instead, I’m finding my place in creative belong,
buoyed among words and not stripes.
And I’m finding my voice in verse and in song,
and in my choices towards effort, and living, and life.

And coming to terms with all that’s gone past,
I at last come to seek My Own Peace.
My Terms. My Service. My Sorrows. My Joys.
My ways to meet my own Needs.

I’ve done things you can not,
and you’ve done things I could never.
But the greatest of treasures, of gifts to be caught,
Is finding ourselves…and keeping ourselves together.

*

George Warchol, “Give and Get”

Give it up.
Give it up and get going.
Let it go,
and get on your way.

Listen up
and teach yourself freedom.
Write down your story,
you’ve got so much to say.

Lift your head.
Don’t abandon yourself.
Find your starting ground,
and don’t you retreat.
Just hang on.
I promise I’ll be there,
I’ll catch you.
Just try to stay on your feet.

Put it down.
It’s too much to carry.
Talk it out.

Don’t bury it deep.
Begin to trust
and be
just
a little less wary.
Let us help you begin to see.

To see something different
from all that you’ve known.
To perceive there is more
than your bearing alone.

See that we,

that we want you with us.

You have done so much good.
You are worthy of trust.

Just get up.
Get up and get going.
Begin to move.
Please, just shuffle your feet.
There’s still light ahead.
And there’s still movement showing.
And there’s still a good chance
for some kind of peace.

Everyone suffers.
But not all the time.
Not forever. Not always…

But always for some of the time.

And If redemption be needed,
then know that suffering need not be without value.
Grind the growth from it.
Squeeze it for purpose.
If nothing else,
it shapes us for something more.
Perhaps to fit us for more acts of tomorrow.

From the middle I can only tell you of what I see.
But from in front of it,
I can look back,
and tell something,
of what it means
against the background
of former,
forged ideas,
and
old,
cold,
hard,
sharpened facts.

Get in front of it.
We must put this behind.
Get in front of it.
We must stop wasting time.
Get in front of it.
We are not going alone.
Get in front of it,
and tell it to push you home.

You can watch George’s beautiful reading of his work here.

*

***

Mariah Smith — No One Left Behind

“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” – Voltaire

I’d already been awake for a day and half when the bombs went off.  Physically, I was in a hotel room in the Willard Intercontinental in Washington DC, but mentally, I was outside the gates of the Kabul International Airport, in the crush of scared and desperate people, trying to guide a number of Afghan families through the mob that surrounded it. My friend Dee, an Afghan American, who I had served with in Khost Province in 2007, was doing the same for her cousins and aunts and uncles. She was the one who texted me first, the instant after the explosion at the airport gate, and moments later the pictures started flooding in. The images were live-streamed into my brain, becoming indelible memories, through the phone screen my eyes had been glued to since August 15th 2021, the day the Taliban entered the city. The pictures showed people running holding their children, covered in dirt and soot from the blast, torn and bloodied clothing littering the streets. A thousand dropped and crushed water bottles. Dee called me on WhatsApp a few minutes later as we tried to get accountability of the Afghans we had been communicating with. In the end all we could do was cry wordlessly together at the futility and the anger we felt.

Hanging up the phone, I closed my eyes in exhaustion for a few minutes and let the despair wash over me. There had been very little sleep the past 9 days. The King sized bed in the quiet hotel room threatened to swallow me. The same hotel room where I had put on a dress and good earrings the previous day, pinned my hair up, and walked into a meeting where I asked for, and received $250,000 from Boeing’s veterans group to help fund our evacuation efforts. Until a week ago, I had never done any fundraising before and now we were asking for six figures at a time. Instead of sleeping I got up, walked into the marble bathroom, brushed my teeth, splashed water on my tear streaked face, put on a ball cap to cover my unwashed hair and went downstairs to the conference room where the others were. There was more work to be done. 

The first interpreter I ever worked with was named Joseph, or that was the name he used when he was with our unit. He joined our platoon of MPs a few days into the Iraq War in March of 2003. He recalled being a teenager when Saddam invaded Kuwait in 1990/1991 and the US kicked off Desert Storm. When the US returned again 12 years later, he immediately volunteered to help. One night, all of us lieutenants were called to the bombed out building on Tallil Air Base that we were using as a temporary command post to meet our interpreters. The first one wouldn’t shake my hand, informing me of his religious restrictions against touching women. I was the only female officer in the company. Joseph stepped forward and shook my hand warmly, his kind smile and direct eye contact dispelling the embarrassment and irritation I had felt the moment before. War was new to all of us at that time. We were excited – we felt like we were going on a big adventure. None of us knew it would dominate and sometimes consume the next almost 20 years of our lives. 

I don’t know what we would have done without Joseph. It wasn’t just that he could speak the language and we couldn’t. He showed a group of inexperienced Soldiers what a war is like for the people whose home is where it is being fought. What was at stake. What to do when you encounter children on the battlefield, the elderly, the injured citizens. All the realities none of us had lived before but would live many times over in the years to come.

In the years that followed there were more deployments including three tours to Afghanistan. And right around the time I was done with the Army, America had decided it was long past done with Afghanistan, we started negotiating with the Taliban and set a timeline to leave. I will never forget the sadness on General Miller’s face in one of the last televised interviews of units pulling out. He sat on a concrete perimeter barrier and talked to the reporter, no inflection in his voice, only fatigue, perhaps hiding the regret and disagreement he felt with the decision. One of the younger Soldiers who was interviewed said she hadn’t even been born yet when the Towers fell on 9/11. 

Downstairs in the conference room of the Willard, 18 years after that first meeting with an interpreter, I was trying to make things right. A dozen other grim, exhausted people, most of them fellow veterans, sat in a horseshoe formation of tables behind laptops. Many were from other non-profits like ours, No One Left Behind. The tables were littered with Redbulls and spitters. Messages continued to pour in from people who were working inside the airport grounds, those on the streets where the bombs went off, and other veterans from all over the country trying to find and help their interpreters. A congressional committee staffer who was also an Army 82nd Airborne veteran like me, texted: “Hey – are you hearing that the Kabul airport is shutting down? The gates are all being closed and nobody else is being allowed in?”

We had been talking and sharing information all week. Those of us in that conference room had a direct connection to US troops on the ground inside the airport. I had just heard that the Marines were bulldozing shut the gate that had been bombed, welding them closed behind earthworks. After the bombs, no one else was getting in. 

“Yep, it’s true.” I confirmed. 

“WTF?! Blinken and Hicks told Senators this afternoon on their call that ops would continue at least until the 31st.”

“We are struggling to even get American Citizens on the airfield right now.” I told him about the earthen berms being erected to block access to the airport, all while American citizens waved their passports and Afghan interpreters desperately waved their visa paperwork outside the razor wire. “Everything I have seen is indicating we are done evacuating. They lied.” I set my phone down, disgusted at the way we were leaving our allies. Not even the Senate Intelligence Committee was getting straight answers.

A few hours later I watched in furious disbelief as the President addressed the country from the Oval office, a row of American flags behind him. He praised the bravery of the orderly withdrawal and reiterated the rightness of ending the War in Afghanistan. The group of us volunteers stood in front of the TV with our arms crossed, numbly watching the canned and false message being peddled. It was a pathetic attempt to try and spin the gigantic cluster fuck we had watched unfold over the past ten days into something resembling a strategic plan. I couldn’t believe anyone would buy his empty statements. Did they even care about the scale of suffering that was happening on the ground in Afghanistan? The senior leaders at the State Department sure didn’t seem to. As the US prepared to abandon the embassy in Kabul some US employees in the visa office burnt all of the Afghan passports and documents they had custody of. These were the golden tickets for the Afghans who had earned a Special Immigrant Visa to the US through their work with the American military or government. Although the burning was ‘standard procedure’ for preparing to abandon an embassy, in this case to the enemy, this action further sealed the fate of those who were so close to making it out yet still trapped.

Someone switched off the TV, and we walked to Old Ebbits Grill, a Washington DC institution. We ordered some much-needed alcohol. One of the other volunteers arrived a few minutes after the first wave of us, spotted my Old Fashioned on the table, asked if he could taste it, and knocked it back in one swallow, cherry and all, before his ass even landed in his chair. The table shrieked with hysteria tainted laughter. We were all a little unhinged from the horror of the past several days. 

For almost two years, I’ve tried to think of a coherent way to talk about those two weeks in August 2021 and the months that followed. It was both the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed and some of the most moving work I’ve ever been a part of.  

In April and May of 2023 No One Left Behind was contacted by a team from Japanese public TV. They wanted to do a story on our organization along with the Afghan women who had been part of the female tactical platoon (FTPs, they were called in short). This consumed my life for a month but ended up being very cathartic. One of the themes of their show was moral injury among veterans. “The Japanese people do not have the experience with this. The generation that fought in WWII never spoke of it and there have not been conflicts since. We also do not want them to forget what is happening to the Afghan people.” At the time of this writing I am still waiting for the documentary to be released. I don’t know what angle they will take the story. Although I came to trust the production team, both women close in age to me, I have to recognize that they are from a different country and I don’t know how they will paint the United States and our involvement in Afghanistan. I still hold a security clearance for work, and I held this in my mind every time they interviewed me. Although I was mostly open with them, I was not able to fully share the depth of the doubt and anger I was feeling at my own country’s clumsy and sometimes arrogant involvement in a 20 year war that we lost. It was hard to even put it in writing for this essay. In a way it feels like treason. 

“Tell us the story of the skinny, scared woman again.” The Japanese camera woman zoomed her lens towards me. They must have asked me half a dozen times, referring to a story I had told them about searching Afghan women on a compound that Special Forces raided along with our ANA partners. My job was to search the women on the compound and this particular young woman was likely in her 20s as I was. As I searched her for weapons, in her own home, that I had invaded I was struck by how malnourished and frail she felt under my hands. Although I was gentle, I stood behind her with my boot between her two sandled feet and felt the fragility and lightness of her body, ashamed of my own camouflaged and armored presence restricting her movement and how easily I could have hurt her if that had been my intent. 

I think they liked this story because it drew a stark contrast between the American soldiers and the Afghan people whose country they were occupying. But that was the opposite of the Afghans in the military and government we had worked with. We were working collectively for a better future. And then that was snatched away from all of us. I say snatched, but it was years of poor strategy, a rotational plan that didn’t work, a lack of focus, and a misunderstanding of the durability of the Taliban. When we lost and were cut off from our friends in the most chaotic, traumatizing way possible, all we wanted was to be able to be with our friends again and help them live safely. It wasn’t about the differences, it was about our common humanity. 

“Tell us about your PAIN and the GUILT” the camerawoman and interviewer would say. Emphasis on these sad words. Each interview led to a request for another, often revisiting the same topic 6 or 8 times. They wanted to hear more about my deployments in Afghanistan, hoping for a good shoot ’em up story I regretted and I think they were a little disappointed in the relative calmness of my deployments. Although they wanted the Japanese people to know the Afghans stuck under Taliban rule were still suffering, with few options, we didn’t talk much about the withdrawal itself. 

I met Efat when we interviewed her for the Japanese public TV show. She had been a female police woman, a job she loved. Now she was trapped at home. During our interview she cried helplessly and the feeling of watching a strong woman in such despair was gut wrenching. How do you help someone keep hope alive in these circumstances? I felt very helpless and grateful for the friends that have been able to leave. What does Efat have to look forward to? She was the one who made me confront, most clearly the reality for women left there. When I interviewed her, her surroundings looked like a mud walled compound with little furniture inside and a small assortment of basic kitchen implements. She told us they had sold a majority of their possessions in order to live. She was dressed in a loose black robe with a black scarf ready to wind over her hair if she stepped outside. The way she sobbed softly tore at my heart. There was nothing I could do or say to help or that made anything better in any way. How terrible to be trapped so completely in your own country, after having lived a different life of relative freedom as a young adult.

No One Left Behind continues to evacuate people out of Afghanistan, mainly through funding their travel to Pakistan while they wait to finish processing at the US embassy in Pakistan. We set a goal to help 1000 leave in 2023 and we met that goal on 30th of June. We set a new goal of 2000 and we made that goal also in late October. There are still so many people trying to help, but it will really take a change in US and international policy to allow everyone who needs to leave Afghanistan to make it to safety.  The overwhelming need makes our efforts feel like a drop in the bucket. 

It was almost nine months after the evacuation when Latifa and har family arrived at Dulles airport in May of 2022. They had been waiting in Iceland for the past 4 months while their US visa was finished. Latifa was the primary applicant, which was less common for the woman to be the primary applicant, less than 10% . After having NOLB consume my life for almost a year, and to be overwhelmed by the amount of people reaching out that we couldn’t yet help evacuate, I realized it became important for me to help one person, one family, and to see what the experience was actually like for a new family arriving. This felt like it was as much for my redemption and well-being as it was for theirs. They came to live with me, making progress in starting their new lives though they still feel the wounds of the country they left and the life they lost that is now no longer possible in their native land.

The night after I left the Williard back in August of 2021, the night after the last US plane left the airfield in Afghanistan, I was at a black tie event in Virginia horse country where I live now. It felt surreal, rich horse people in the most beautiful part of Virginia and that night I felt very removed from it, like a disoriented witness. I was still fully immersed in the violence and tragedy of what I had seen.  I felt like I had been deployed, even though I hadn’t left DC. At one point I started to tear up, overwhelmed, and my date walked me out to the large balcony where we watched the guests dancing, brightly lit through the plate glass windows, while we were shadowed in the summer night, the music from inside competing with the sounds of frogs and crickets. Teenage girls in their homecoming and prom dresses, jumped about joyfully on the dance floor in small groups or with their parents. The stark contrast between their safety and inhibition and what girls their own age had just gone through and what their lives in Afghanistan would be like now. 

This is the story I wish I wasn’t telling. I wish our war had ended differently. After investing all that time and lost lives and lives forever changed, our country’s leaders had us walk away in the most humiliating way possible and leave our friends behind in a near hopeless situation. However, our work with No One Left Behind continues. While we are still helping people depart Afghanistan on the Special Immigrant Visa program we are also very focused on helping them restart their lives here in America. And this is where my faith in my fellow citizens remains strong. The kindness and generosity by regular people we have seen extended to these newly arrived Afghan refugees is incredible to witness. Restarting a life and a career in a new country is exceptionally challenging and so many Americans have stepped up to help in a thousand different ways. For a period of time after the withdrawal I was hyper focused on the horror and unfairness of what had happened to so many Afghans and how it affected the veteran community. But now my focus has shifted more to the good we are able to be part of.

***

Reinetta Vaneendenberg — A.O.R.

Letter from Hotel California 1 epistolary
The Hall of Valor 3 prose
Vet Killed by Granby ST Hit/Run 4 newspaper reportage
Obituaries 5 newspaper reportage
Collateral Damages of A.O.R. Ambiguities 6 scratch-out poem
Crossing Granby Street 8 poem encased by fragments
++++++++++

28/8/2017 Hotel California haha (same as before)

Dear Liz,
A volunteer is typing this for me since my hands are bandaged. His name is Jonathan and
he’s here allot getting new legs and his gut fixed. Sometimes we play backgammon like you and
I did that year in the sandbox. I move pieces with my good finger.
It was great talking to you last night. I’ve been thinking about you allot today. You—in a
good place now, with a room of your own at the veteran house. It’s ok to accept the room and the food and the clothes. You’re a vet and all that is for vets. Not everyone can be lucky like me and spend a year at Hotel John Hopkins in lovely Baltimore.

Last night when we talked you were mad again about the AOR crap but we couldn’t do
anything. It’s over and done with and over and done. Listen hear, you and I aren’t responsible for the 10,000 dead from 9/11 and its wars,
so you need to let that go.

Take those five fuckin “Xs” off your fuckin hat. Sailors don’t count our kills or anyone
else’s. Shake your red hair free. We did the best we could with the crappy equipment and
leadership. Like Nam, man: who’s the enemy? Our interpreter, Fahad? A kid? A fruit vendor? Congress sucks! How can they tell us who’s a threat? When we can or can’t shoot? They’re a million miles away. In fuckin DC.

I must a got all stirred up after our call because I had that same dream again last night, the one with you standing in your battle dress, head down and walking, not watching where you’re going and I’m yelling “Liz! Look out! LIZ!” But you keep walking. I keep yelling. I wake up sweating, crying. You always had rotten situational awareness. I guess that’s why we made it as battle buddies.

We had good war-fighting skills. The rules of engagement said when we could shoot. The
area of responsibility—the lines for bullets, bodies and bags were clearly drawn on maps,
directives, messages for Afghanistan, Iraq. I don’t know why we were sent where we oughtn’t to of been. Boundaries are boundaries.

You’re right it was a set up because there was no way we could have guessed that little
girl had a bomb in her dolly basket.

Have you heard about the lieutenant? Someone came by saying the Navy was not
promoting her because of the explosion. I don’t think it was her fault that we went where we weren’t ‘supposed to and her being in the navy not the army. I agree with you that w

I don’t think it was her fault that we went where we weren’t ‘supposed to be’ and her being in the navy not the army. I agree with you that we were setup because Fahad didn’t go with us and he always wanted to be with us everywhere.

The sandbox is a strange place for sailors. Don’t you think so? How can our Navy not
promote a young officer who is eating the same crap we had to and live like we had to and the Elephants keep changing the AOR and ROE? At least she didn’t get hurt. She got home in one piece to her wife and kids.

Jonathan’s nice, a handsome dude. Maybe you could have coffee with him when you
visit. I know you come from blue blood but not all guys are like those
Our families are so fucked up. Mine tries but they don’t understand, even my dad who
did Vietnam. They returned to disdain and us as heroes but are forgotten a month after returning anyway. None of it is anyone’s responsibility. Hope you get this litter at your new address before our next call.

The docs say I’m doing ok and can see you whenever you come up from Norfolk. I’m
sorry for the mix up last time. I had the dates wrong. And here you rode the bus all day. Sorry.

Time is jumbled between surgeries and meds. You know what I mean—you have allot of meds to. I was in OR for reconstructing surgery the day you came. I don’t see much that they can do— nine fingers got blown off and all the operations won’t bring them back—but those doctors go figure they always have an idea how to make a bad thing better. Next operation is to make the whole in my gut better.

The only good things in my life are you and Jonathan as friends. The rest is crap. Look
forward to your weekly call. Same time same station.

So, now I really have to go because Jonathan has to go to PT. Remember when that
meant physical training, a chance to burn off some steam? Now it’s pain and torture.
I asked him to sign this for me so you’d know it was really from me but he laughed.

Just believe it’s from me,
your battle buddy,
Mary

The Hall of Valor
lists all
6906
U.S. military who have died during the Global War on Terror
in Operation Enduring Freedom, Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation New Dawn.
This Hall of Valor is a searchable database
by name, operation, month and year. It can also sort
by death date, oldest to newest or newest to oldest.

Viewed 3DEC2017: thefallen.militarytimes.com

 

VET KILLED BY GRANBY ST. HIT/RUN
NORFOLK
Dispatch reported an anonymous call 2:12 p.m.,
28 August 2017, about a hit-and-run at Granby Street and Thole Street
intersection in the Suburban Acres area of Norfolk. The caller said a
person was hit by a compact brown car. An emergency crew was on
scene within 4 minutes of the call, followed by an ambulance 3
minutes later.

There were no identifying documents found on the victim. She was
pronounced DOA at DePaul Hospital.

Police found no witnesses.
The victim has been identified as Elizabeth C. Stanton, 37, a U.S.
Navy veteran. Burial services pending.
Anyone with information about this accident is asked to call Norfolk Police Investigations.

 

obituaries
Elizabeth C. Stanton
NORFOLK – 37, Funeral
service: 8 a.m. Monday, on
Sept. 11, 2017, Virginia State
Veterans Cemetery, Suffolk.

 

Collateral Damages of A.O.R. Ambiguities

Area of Responsibility inside outside
the enemy outside inside
ordersdogtagsdufflebagI.D.cellphonesmokes
Iraq on the Way Back
Domino Theory
burqa door-to-door
An improvised explosive device I.E.D.
is a hidden bomb Blows up patrol
convoy missing body parts Balad
Bagram Air Base Afghanistan
we don’t know where the leg is Politicians
make up rules of engagement R.O.E.
tasty fish eggs grow into the child as I.E.D. who will lead us
hightechhighbodycount out-foxed
push meds push to keep/up with them
Ramstein Air Force Base Germany
VA Hospital amputations prosthetics thumb
Hand Calf Legs Charles C. Carter Center for Mortuary
Affairs, Dover Air Force Base, Delaware
Warmonger body armor/MadeinChina/budget hearings
re-take, re-deploy, re-calibrate
Fall of Berlin,Hanoi,Fallujah.
HailMaryFullofGrace
It has been 16 years

Senator, Is the 22-Veterans-Per-Day Suicide Rate Data Reliable?
Do you have stats for correlation with
Homelessness? Alcoholism? Drug abuse?
VA Failure rates? CPTSD? TBI ? 

See: the Latin cida, killer
S u i cide me
Fr a t ri cide us
G e n o cide them
CNN reports an increased rate of blue-on-blue violence as military kill their own
By the book By the book
6 Bythebook
6 Bythebookbythebook t hebookCP
9 By book T
0 ook S
2 ok D
nobook
Allah M.C.
Mission Co
Com
Comp

black body bagsbagbags

Black
Hawk

W
a
r

She charged the crosswalk as if rushing the landing zone,
right arm propelled red pony-tailed floppy head.
Hot wash rose from swampy beach traffic.
I saw her as a unit, an interruption across my line of sight.
The uniform of a street person, I presumed, with time to
look during the long light. I turned up the AC.
Flicked the auto-lock.
Black wool beret, with five white Xs pinned on it.
Hawaiian shirt, glaring blue, green, yellow
Camouflage pants, too big or her now too small.
Black mocs like clown shoes, pale heels peeking out,
as if her feet had lost the mass for boots.
She was closing on the sidewalk, focused on the mark—
When the light turned, I shifted the Vette into first
just as horns blasted.

 

Reinetta Van explores identity and historical perspective issues in hybrid forms. Her work has appeared in The War Horse  and anthologies Sisters in Arms: Lessons We’ve Learned and Things We Carry Still: Poems and Micro-Stories About Military Gear. Van ([email protected]) scribbled A.O.R.’s first draft June 12, 2017, and hopes to express someday why this piece sticks in her craw. You can hear her read from her work here.

***

Tom Keating – REMF

Richie handed me a bandolier.

“Another fucking waste of twelve hours,” he said. The green cloth pockets each held a magazine filled with eighteen rounds for the M16 battle rifle slung on my shoulder. It was almost 1800 hours, and we were going on perimeter guard duty till 0600 hrs. the next morning. Ninety-eight degrees, and our jungle fatigues were soaked with sweat.

We loaded up the truck in the company area for perimeter guard duty, which we were assigned to do every couple of weeks. Twelve hours sitting in a hot, wet, smelly sandbagged bunker on our sector of the Army base perimeter. Twelve hours of boredom.

“I’d rather be typing the fucking monthly fuel consumption report,” I replied. “This sucks, again.”

“Can it, you two, and get on the truck,” yelled Sergeant Hollis, the sergeant of the guard for this shift.

The twelve of us climbed on the open truck, wearing helmets and heavy, sweaty flak vests, our rifles slung on our shoulders. The truck drove out to the perimeter along the dirt road behind the tall, barbed-war fence of our base. Two small Vietnamese villages were just four hundred meters from the fence, and the locals who lived there would come into the main gate each day, get checked by MPs, and then go to work on our base as cooks, laundry workers, and housemaids.

The combat troops called us REMFs, rear echelon motherfuckers; support troops that made the war possible with our typing, driving, computer programming and other work skills needed in a modern Army. We do the paperwork that feeds the war with everything from body bags to bullets. Our base and living quarters the grunts (infantry) call luxury. We had beds, daily hot chow, plenty of water and in some cases, air-conditioned offices.

Most of the soldiers assigned to this logistics base were trained to be Army administrative types. Some, like me, who were trained for infantry, were assigned as clerks or typists when we arrived. The Army marches on paper. I knew I lucked out with this assignment, instead of being in combat.

Every couple of weeks we were pulled from our offices, trucks and repair shops and thrown together for bunker guard duty, strangers to each other. The truck arrived at our bunker’s situated on large earthen berms on the perimeter near one of the gates into our base. The truck stopped, and Sergeant Hollis got out, walked to the rear, and said,

“Kearney, Philips, Richie and Denton, you four here, in bunker number one.”

We hopped off the truck. Someone handed us our weapons, flares, ammunition for the M60 machine gun, extra canteens, and a box of C-rations. Richie carried two rolls of toilet paper. The truck drove down to the next bunker. We waited while Philips picked up a stone and threw it into our bunker.

“Hope ole snaky aint in there today.”

Cobras loved our bunkers; they provided shade for the cold-blooded reptiles, who also enjoy the rats that live there, too. We threw stones in the bunker to let Snaky know we’re coming in. Sure enough, he slithered out, an eight-foot-long cobra. The snake turned and retreated into the brush near the barbed wire. Philips threw in another rock and waited. Nothing. We carefully entered the bunker, our home for the next twelve hours. There were no bushes or tall grass around our bunker. Defoliant sprayed every week made sure of that.

I set the machine gun on its bipod, positioned it out the center bunker port. We took off our helmets and flak vests, and settled in. The heat and stink inside the bunker was unbearable. Richie and Denton went outside behind the bunker to smoke some weed. Philips and I took the guard position, looking out at the villages.

Philips said he was a truck mechanic for the 350th TC (Transportation Company). A short, stocky fellow, he speaks with a hillbilly accent. “Kearney, where you from?”

Before I could reply Richie came back in. Richie was tall and lanky. He shoved his glasses up higher on his large nose and announced, “Put on your gear, the sergeant is coming to check, and he’s got the ELL-TEE with him.”

We put on our helmets, shirts and vests and waited. Sergeant Hollis called us together outside the bunker. Lieutenant Nack, the officer of the guard this shift, stood behind the sergeant. Nack’s tailored fatigue was dark with sweat. Hollis was an experienced soldier who had fought in Korea. He gave us our instructions.

“Okay, you guys know the drill. Two on two off, two hours. Kearney, I want you on the machine gun. Richie, check the commo line. You are Reno 4. Do it now.”

Richie picked up the field phone handset, pressed the key and said, “Bravo One, Reno 4 commo check.” Richie put the receiver down. “We’re good to go, Sergeant.”

Sergeant Hollis replied, “Okay. Do that at least once an hour. Me and the lieutenant will do another check later tonight and bring more water. Anything else, Lieutenant?”

Nack stepped forward. He wore the custom fit new model body armor jacket that zipped up the front. “Stay alert, men. Keep your eyes open tonight, Intel says we are sure to get hit by Charlie.” He stepped back. Nack worked in the finance office, probably hadn’t fired a weapon since Basic Training or whatever reserve officers went through. They turned and got back in the Jeep and left.

Philips asked as he took off his gear, “Kearney, you think the EL-TEE was just bullshitting about an attack?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, “It is the big Chinese New Year festival, I would expect them all to be celebrating, not fighting.” We settled in, looking for movement in front of us.

Denton and Richie relieved us two hours later. The sun was almost gone, so Phillips and I went outside, where it was cool, the air fresh. Trucks and Jeeps kept coming and going out of the gate near our bunker. Philips used the piss tube alongside the bunker, and I sipped warm water from my canteen. Just then the field phone chirped. Richie picked it up.

“Reno 4.” His eyes got large, and he looked over at me.

“Roger, yellow alert. Reno 4.”

Yellow alert meant some shit was going down. We hustled back into the bunker. I drew back the cocking lever of the M 60 and put my shoulder against the stock. I looked out the port. Richie and Denton picked up their rifles. Denton looked confused. He didn’t know what to do with the rifle. I looked over and said,

“Denton, put the magazine into the rifle, then pull the charging handle. Put your selector switch off safety to fire. Richie, give him a hand.” These guys were clerks and typists, not infantry. Finally, their rifles were locked and loaded. We waited. I saw the gate being closed; Vietnamese workers on the post being hustled out of the gate as it closed. A Military Police Jeep pulled up to the gate, with an M60 machine gun mounted and manned. Damn!

“We have to check the claymores to be sure the wires are okay. Who wants to go with me?” Philips nodded his head. “Okay. Denton and Richie, eyes front. If you see anything move, shoot it. We’ll be right back.”

The two of us exited the bunker and found the claymore wires leading from the bunker. We followed along in the fading light all the way to the mines which were thirty feet in front of the bunker. Everything looked okay, the wires attached to the blasting caps, positioned “FRONT TOWARD ENEMY.” We ran back to the bunker. I heard a rumble, like thunder. The phone chirped again. Richie answered,

“Understand. Red alert. Reno 4.” Richie hung up and relayed the news. “The VC are attacking Bien Hoa Air Base, and we may be next! Holy Shit!” We were jacked up with adrenaline and fear. The booms were louder, closer. The stutters of a machine gun could be heard. The field phone chirped again. I picked it up.

“Reno 4,” I said into the handset.

“Reno 4, stand by. Victor Charlie spotted in the village 400 meters your front. TAC air on the way. Get low in your bunker.”

“Reno 4.”

“Get down,” I shouted, “TAC Air!” Everyone crouched down below the sandbag wall of the bunker. We heard the roar of an F4 Phantom jet, and two large explosions. The F4 Phantom roared away. I cautiously looked over the sandbag port. The villages were gone, just smoke and fire. Nothing was moving in front of us. I looked over to the gate, the MP Jeep was gone, replaced by an Armored Personnel Carrier (APC). Before I could process this, we heard more firing and some small explosions, grenades most likely. Then it got quiet. The firing stopped. Nothing moved. The phone chirped again. I picked it up.

“Reno 4.”

“Reno 4, stand down from Red alert. Alert status now yellow. alert status yellow.” The sergeant arrived shortly after we relaxed. ELL-TEE wasn’t with him. I told him our situation.

“Sergeant, we went on red alert,” I looked at my watch, “60 minutes ago, just got word to stand down to yellow. TAC Air blew up the villages to our front. All weapons locked and loaded.”

“Okay, Kearney. Stay alert. This may go on all night.” Hollis drove over to the next bunker.

I turned to the guys. “Let’s get back to the guard schedule: two on two off, two hours. Stay alert. If you think you are gonna fall asleep, move around, take deep breaths. Me and Philips will take the first watch.”

Philips and I looked out the bunker towards the destroyed village. Damn! the jet just blew it away! There were people there earlier. I hope they got out before the bombs. Jeesus! No movement at all. We could hear the chatter of machine gun fire and explosions far down the perimeter on our left. The APC roared away towards the fighting. We were alone in the darkness.

“Kearney, I’m scared.” Said Philips.

“Me, too,” I replied. The lights at the gate cast some in front of our bunker. Richie and Denton were napping outside. The sounds of battle diminished. We started to relax. After forty minutes I was fighting the urge to close my eyes and sleep when Philips whispered to me.

“Kearney, I see somebody moving!”

“Where?” I jerked alert.

“Over to the left, see it?”

I slowly turned left, and yes; someone was slowly crawling towards bunker two on our left. A sapper! I turned to my right and saw someone else crawling towards us. Two sappers! They got through the wire somehow and were about forty feet away.

“Philips, ” I whispered, “you fire right, I fire left. Go!”

I fired my M16 four times at the guy. Bunker 2 must have seen the sapper too and fired their M60 machine gun. The red tracer rounds bounced off the ground in front of the crawlers. The sapper on the right got up on his knees to fire a B40 rocket at our bunker, just as Philips hit him. He fell back, and the rocket went sailing over our position and exploded behind us. Denton and Richie were now wide awake.

“Jee-sus! You got them,” shouted Denton.

“Keep looking,” I said. “There may be more.” My heart was pumping fast. My vision had sharpened. I scanned in front and on both sides, even looked behind us. But there wasn’t anyone else.

My infantry training told me to go out and check the bodies. I ran, crouched, to the first body. He was deformed by the rounds he took from me and the M60 from bunker two. His right arm was missing. Picked up his rifle and slung it on my shoulder. I checked him for papers, found some.

The B40 rocket guy was twenty feet away. Philips’ shot had blown his head apart. I wanted to throw up, but I held it in. I picked up his launcher and the rockets he carried. No papers on him. I ran in a crouch back to the bunker. I threw up outside the bunker entrance, then went in and picked up the phone.

“Bravo One, Reno 4.”

“Reno 4.”

“Weapons fired. Two enemy Kilos. No Whiskeys, (Army code for dead and wounded), two weapons recovered.”

“Roger, Reno 4. Continue alert.” We could hear some explosions and rapid firing along the perimeter, but it was quiet near us. Philips looked at me, his eyes were wet.

“I shot deer and squirrels back home,” he said. “But these were men! Jeesus! I don’t want to do that again, Kearney.”

“I know,” I said. “It is fucking awful, but they were going to kill you and me and Denton an’ Richie. We didn’t have a choice.”

“Shit,” said Denton, “I wanna get outta this fucking bunker and this fucking country.”

“Shut the fuck up, Denton, you just got here,” said Richie. “You aint going anywhere for a year. Kearney’s right, it was us or them.”

Philips went outside, still upset. Denton and Richie took over the guard. I stayed in the bunker. I was suddenly hungry, feeling lightheaded as the adrenaline left me. I could not relax, though.

Time passed, and we heard no more shooting. When the sun came up, smoke was rising from the village. The two enemy bodies were still there in front of our bunkers, flies feasting on them. We heard no battle noise, just a few random rifle shots somewhere down the line. Sergeant Hollis and Lieutenant Nack were coming down the access road in the jeep. Hollis stopped the Jeep, and I went out to meet him and Nack. I nodded at Nack. No saluting officers near the wire.

Sergeant Hollis said, “Situation, Kearney.”

“Sergeant, all quiet. No further attack on this section since 2300 hrs. Two dead sappers out front, I policed their weapons and some papers taken from their bodies.” I pointed at the two weapons and the papers tucked in the corner.

Nack looked startled. He scowled at me, “Specialist, who told you to take the weapons and papers?” Hollis rolled his eyes, very slightly.

“Sir,” I said, “that’s SOP, disarm the enemy dead and check for any intel. They told us that at Fort Jackson.”

“Oh, you were infantry,” he snarled.

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, You should have left the weapons there and notified me.” He wanted credit for the weapons capture. It would look good on his record, and maybe a medal. He took a small note pad from his breast pocket and a pen.

“I need your name and your unit and commanding officer.”

“Sir, Specialist 4th Class Kearney, I am an administrative aide to General Stark at headquarters supply, fuel division.” Nack looked surprised. That brought him up. He didn’t want to fuck with one of the general’s boys. He put the notepad back in his pocket.

“Okay. Sergeant, take charge of the weapons and documents, and contact the engineers to remove the bodies.”

“Yes sir.” He went into the bunker and retrieved the weapons. “Kearney, I’ll make sure you get credit for the captured weapons.” Nack threw an angry look at the Sergeant as Hollis put them in the back of the Jeep and climbed behind the wheel.

“Thanks, Sergeant,” I replied.

“Good job, men. Your relief is on its way.” The Lieutenant said as he hopped back in the Jeep. Hollis drove away as the field phone chirped. I picked it up.

“Reno 4, Alert status Yellow.”  I turned to the guys, who were tired, dirty, and still jacked up on adrenaline.

“Alert Yellow, we can relax.” Then we heard the truck coming to bring us our relief. It was 07:00hrs. I took off my flak vest and sucked my canteen dry. Phillips had recovered somewhat and smiled at me. I could hardly wait to get back to those fucking fuel consumption reports.

 

Tom Keating is a Vietnam Veteran who kept a journal during the war in Vietnam, which enabled him to publish his memoir, Yesterday’s Soldier: A Passage from Prayer to the Vietnam War. He has also published in The Veteran, the Military Writers Society of America’s Dispatches, The Vietnam Memorial 40th Anniversary Tribute, 0-Dark-Thirty from the Veterans Writing Project, the Microlit Almanac from Birch Bark Editing, and The Wrath-Bearing Tree. He lives west of Boston with his wife Kathleen. You can hear him read from his work here.

***

Nancy Stroer – What Do You Expect?

The Rooster’s nose was his most salient feature, curved and sharp as he strutted and preened in front of formation. It was an act, but the Rooster snapped his barnyard into submission without apology.

He told me, “Ma’am, I need you to take all the females to the clinic.”

There’d been a rash of pregnancies in the barracks. Okay, maybe two in as many months, but this was the Rooster nipping his birds into line.

“It’s like we’re running agot-damn brothel on the female floor,” he said after he’d dismissed the soldiers. Other company leaders remarked, variously:

“These females got to learn how to keep their legs closed.”

“Put males and females together and what do you expect?”

What did I expect? I expected to get along as a woman in a man’s world. I knew how things worked and I expected I’d do fine with that, having grown up with three brothers, playing sports, all of this occurring in the broader context of a world run by men. I didn’t think about any of this in so many words back then. I didn’t know that I was a Guys’ Girl, a term my young adult daughters use now with a curl in the corner of their mouths.

Back in the olden days of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (unless it’s super-juicy), the NCOs were ranting the same old litany to a sexual but sex-free god, repeated in NCO meetings and formations and ad hoc conversations near the filing cabinets. Sex was a given, a right, for some, and a loaded weapon for others. Male soldiers wanted to have sex, were going to have sex. The women had to expect to receive that attention whether they wanted it or not. And they should expect it, but not want it. If they wanted it, they must appear not to; otherwise they’d get a reputation in the Barracks Bicycle. Those were the expectations.

No one expected birth control talks for the male soldiers. Two of the guys were walking around, looking kind of sheepish at times, kind of proud at others. There was much slapping of shoulders and good-natured cussing.

I processed information differently in those days. I was so young, still surfacing from the dreamworld of adolescence to find myself drowning in the patriarchy, except I thought I was swimming just fine. The only other female officer to process it was pregnant herself but married and therefore did not count on the Tally of Concern. Maybe her PT game was a little weak, but she managed to get her hair done. She was decorative but ran the supply warehouse with confidence and competence. She was a Black woman, with a team of mostly non-white soldiers. Her operation was a bit intimidating to me, and maybe secretly to the Rooster, too, because his beak was out of her business. And sure, the commander was a woman but she was an androgynous little elf and we left her alone because to engage with her in conversation was to invite a deluge of unwanted information about her irritable bowel syndrome.

There was righteous sex (guys going to the Red Light district), and sex that was out of control (women daring to have sex in their barracks rooms). The NCOs moralized about the need for guys to get laid and the impact of single women getting pregnant on The Mission. Everyone laughed at the idea of the unsexy having sex. I recognized the double and triple standards, but still bought all the tangled lines.

Maybe these young female soldiers don’t know about birth control, I thought. They couldn’t all be the dirtbags the sergeants said they were, just getting pregnant to get out of the barracks and straight to the head of the line for military housing and priority spots at the child development center. Maybe they were just waking up as humans, too.

Imagine my surprise, then, to find the women gathered in the clinic lobby not looking contrite or curious but sullen and angry. I didn’t quite get their mood. “Don’t you want to be in charge of when you get pregnant?” I asked them. Surely they’d joined up to be all they could be. Capricious childbearing would shoot their career trajectories out of the sky.

Standing next to me, Johnson swung her swollen belly to face me. She was small and quiet. Curls framed her brown face. “Cute” is a diminutive way to describe her, but she was diminutive. She was objectively cute. I didn’t know her, since she worked in the supply warehouse where women made up about a quarter of the workforce, in contrast to my operation across the parking lot with the mechanics, where the air was heavy with secondhand smoke, AC/DC, the ping of wrenches and tool boxes across concrete floors. All the women watched each other, though, and my general impression of the ones in the supply warehouse was that they were as quietly competent as the pregnant female officer who ran their show. They were organized, and a little disparaging of the men who worked there because they clowned around too much. A bit dismissive of me as too rough and ready. Too accommodating of the Rooster and his ilk. Maybe they found us too white, and therefore suspect. This insight is a late add. I’m sure I didn’t think too much of the racial dynamics at play in those days but my memories are fully colorized now.

So cute little Johnson rounded on me and said through clenched teeth, “I’ll have as many children as I got-damn well want,” and I had no response. It was an astounding, revelatory moment. Of course she was right. Of course she was outraged at the Rooster’s overreach. A woman of any marital status can have as many children as she got-damn wants. A Black woman might justifiably feel more ferocious about this than anyone. Johnson’s withering stare — those soft cheeks pulled into a parentheses of disdain — was an emotional heart round.

In a flash I melted into a puddle of shame, remembering how my father made me return a pair of cargo pants when I was fifteen because they were “too revealing.” The second pair was so baggy I had to take them in at the waist which, in my newly self-conscious opinion, made my butt look even bigger. This was the first time I’d been told explicitly to hide my assets. I did not wear my new cargo pants and, among other things, I stopped volunteering to go to the board in health class, no longer wishing to show my work. Or anything else.

Might as well disappear my whole body, starve it into its preadolescent shape. Or maybe to eat and drink to keep up with the boys. Or go on whack diets to have something to talk about with the girls. Or to do all the sports and sweat and swear and carry the mortar plate on ruck marches and be considered just another one of the guys.

Didn’t matter. I wasn’t one of them. The male soldiers still vied to run behind me in formation. Let me hitch myself to that ride, they’d say.

They left me notes under my car wiper blades and lewd sculptures on my desk. They backed me into the corners of quiet offices. They turned up at my house at odd hours. It was easiest to laugh them off, to call them the assholes they were, to put them all in their proper places, and keep my business to myself.

I had expected Army men to misunderstand me. My religious father with his Master of Fine Arts, who had enlisted as a medic in the days of the draft so he could control his fate, told me as much when I was insisting that I’d be able to control my fate, too. “It’s different now,” I said, “and I’ll be an officer.” But there are lots of ways to kill a person without firing a shot and on my very first day in my very first unit, my very first platoon sergeant took one look at my left hand and said, “We got to get you married, ma’am. An unmarried officer is going to cause trouble.” I hadn’t expected a welcome like that at all.

And here was Johnson with her soft round cheeks and her rounder belly, unashamed of the truth of the matter: that even she, this actual cherub of a woman, had had sex and now she was having a got damn baby and she didn’t give a flying fuck what I or Rooster or anyone thought about her marital status or any of her choices. Johnson’s comment was a two-by-four up the side of my head, and it woke me all the way up, right there, even though I still didn’t know what to do with the information.

I’ve heard many white veterans say that they got to know, and become friends with, people of color for the first time when they were in the military. But did we really get to know each other? Did we just laugh with them at company picnics or did we allow ourselves to be slugged, as I was by Johnson’s verbal pugil stick, into the bleacher seats? It was a risk for her to say what she said to me, and a gift. I can only think that she was so angry she couldn’t keep her thoughts to herself. Which at the time made me stop caring what the men thought, and to crave insight into what the Black women, the enlisted women, the queer women — all the ones operating outside of the narrow parameters of an acceptable life for a female soldier — were thinking behind their shuttered mouths. When someone rounds you on the convulsive truth, it’s hard to hear but it is a gift, and Johnson taught me to grab with both hands.

 

Nancy Stroer grew up in a very big family in a very small house in Athens, Georgia. She holds degrees from Cornell and Boston University, and served in the beer-soaked trenches of post-Cold War Germany. Her work has appeared in Stars and Stripes, Soldiers magazine, Hallaren Lit Mag, The Wrath-Bearing Tree, and Things We Carry Still, an anthology of military writing from Middle West Press. Her debut novel, Playing Army, is forthcoming from Koehler Books in 2024. She reads from her work here.

***

It was such an honor and a pleasure to work with these talented writers. Thank you for supporting So Say We All and The Wrath-Bearing Tree.

 

Founded in 2009, So Say We All is a 501c3 literary and performing arts non-profit organization whose mission is to create opportunities for individuals to tell their stories, and tell them better, through three core priorities: publishing, performance, and education.

In addition to the programs made available to the public, SSWA offers education outreach programs specifically targeting communities who have been talked about disproportionately more than heard from in mainstream media. Creative writing and storytelling courses are offered in partnership with social service organizations such as The Braille Institute, Veteran Writers Group – San Diego, PEN USA, Southern California American Indian Resource Center (SCAIR), the homeless residents of Father Joe’s Village and Toussaint Academy, San Diego Public and County Library branches, and more.

The biggest hurdle for someone with a story that needs to be told is knowing where to begin. So Say We All’s purpose is to answer that need, to be a resource that listens to all facets of its community regardless of the volume at which they speak.

Justin Hudnall received his BFA in playwriting from New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts. He currently serves as the co-founder and Executive Director of So Say We All, a San Diego-based literary arts and education non-profit. In a prior career, he served with the United Nations in South Sudan as an emergency response officer. He is a recipient of the San Diego Foundation’s Creative Catalyst Fellowship and Rising Arts Leader award, SD Citybeat’s “Best Person” award of 2016, and is an alumni of the Vermont Studio Center. He produces and hosts the PRX public radio series, Incoming.




New Poetry by Ben White: “Cleaning the M60 – 39 Years and January 26, 1984”

TO FLESH BONE / image by Amalie Flynn

39 Years

The death
Of a soldier
Was an accident,
A waste –
PUT_CCCCCCA shame,
So the anniversary
Is nothing to celebrate –
PUT_CCCCCCOr forget

January 26, 1984

Back on the continent
At the 1st and 51st Infantry –
A battalion that doesn’t exist anymore –
The Cold War was fighting a strange peace
With weapons and tension
Wanting to release a dimension
PUT_CCCCCCOf battle prepared,
PUT_CCCCCCTrained for,
PUT_CCCCCCAnd ultimately expected
While volunteers selected
Stood ready in the West
And along the borders
PUT_CCCCCCAwaiting orders to mobilize
When one cold January,
Thursday morning
Soldiers had to realize
The power of 7.62 mm ammo
Tumbling into the chest
PUT_CCCCCCOf a brother in the band
With manslaughter unplanned
And wounds giving the medics
An ambulance to ride in
PUT_CCCCCCUntil the doctors
PUT_CCCCCCAt the Krankenhaus
Opened up the chest
And showed them what
One M60 round
PUT_CCCCCCCan do
To flesh,
Bone, and what
A few minutes ago
Had been functioning,
PUT_CCCCCCDistinguishable organs.




New Poetry by Kat Raido: “Blood Goggles”

 

LICKS THE VEINS / image by Amalie Flynn

Walter Cronkite left footprints
in the gravel of Saigon
but he didn’t tell you their names
didn’t show you the morning commute
of an accountant in Hanoi

they televise bedsheets
replacing blown out glass
in homes of blown out people
but not the Arab Renaissance Bookshop
which opened its doors in 1966

fire hoses are used
to extinguish human spirit
courage licks the veins like flame
and the only parts of war
they can’t powerwash away
are the bloody crevices
under their own fingernails.




New Poetry by Amalie Flynn: “Strip”

 

CROWN OF LAURELS / image by Amalie Flynn 

Strip

On my computer screen terror
Attacks and kills and shifts into
What comes after
This strip of neighborhoods or
Houses a hospital hit
Like carved out carcasses of
Dust and dead bodies bloody
And gray bloated flesh
An eyelid stuck a skull cracked
Open
The close weave of a sweater
Knit into the charred skin
Of a child of a child of a child
How this happens
Again and again and again
Arms and legs twisted back
Or out of socket
How this cannot be unraveled
Because war wears
A crown of laurels made out of
Eye lashes tiny teeth
Dead lips a corsage of
Brain matter soft and shot point
Blank or bombed this
Bombardment
Of matter
What should matter but doesn’t.




New Poetry by Damian White: “Alabaster Clouds”

VOLUPTUOUS ALABASTER CLOUDS / image by Amalie Flynn

Alabaster Clouds


He bartered a pair of Nikes for a piso
Or, as the dealer said, $10 Methamphetamine Dream
Voluptuous alabaster clouds asphyxiate his tent
Ooowee did it bubble and billow
He knew of himself, though he not
God wrought him Statue of David
Chiseled steadfastness intravenously
So as not to be forsaken in vain




New Poetry by Abena Ntoso: “Dear Melissa”

CARE STONES CRUNCHED / image by Amalie Flynn

Dear Melissa

On the walk back from the d-fac
in Kandahar I almost peed in my uniform
pants a long way from home
we were laughing uncontrollably like other
things we could no longer control
having birthed two children each and left
them in someone else’s competent care.

Incontinent overseas
on a mother of a mission drilling
cavities filling them with a matronly
patriotic responsibility for health care
stones crunched beneath our boots
we stopped and bent over shifting
weapons we carried on our hips like kids.

We almost cried in the dark after dinner
absent from bedtimes reading
The Giving Tree aloud, sent
voice recordings stateside for storytime
my son and daughter heard
me reading, heard I love you
no laughing though.

Remember how tough we had to be
for babies to sit on our bladders for nine
months only to leave them four years later
promising to return once our tour of the war
was over we were bent on becoming militant
mothers chuckling again with our children
thank you for finding life funny on the way back.

 




New Poetry by Luis-Lopez Maldonado: “Virus Como Chocolate” and “Pancho Villa, Cesar Chavez y Luis Lopez Madonado”

YELLOW ORANGE RED DEAD / image by Amalie Flynn

Virus Como Chocolate

In the Dead of Summer I wake to every color but the black in my eyes the dry in my mouth the fake justice tattooed on a flag stars in drag locked-up in a box at the top-left: you see, we will continue to smile even without teeth without peace without the privileged never leaving our sheets because rainbow rainbow rainbow rainboi

In the Dead of Summer cotton linen nylon shut my mouth and I cannot swallow cannot sing cannot moan and on hospital beds others foam facetime the new normal birds running into the windows into reflection into sanitized jail where you cannot pass Go and collect $200 cannot stop it from coming and claiming what’s already dead: expiration date dripping off forehead dripping into IV bag into a collapsing body

You see, because China because virus because Trump the greatest country in the world is dumping dumping bodies like trash because no masks no beds no ventilators no vaccine: and winter into spring into fall into lockdown and I can’t tell the difference between water and chocolate anymore

 

Pancho Villa, César Chavez y Luis Lopez-Maldonado

Race floats back and fourth between us
because Amerikkka is still wrong, still shooting
our people from behind, raping us from behind,

pushing us to the side, brown bodies bruised like bats,
our lungs lives livers struggling to survive in the streets
whites claim as only theirs. Green trees turn

yellow orange red dead, and still we are the only immigrants
in this country no-where-togo-no-where-tohide-no-where-todie.
Siguemos peleando su batalla hermanos compadres.

Popular kulture is peachy as puke, candidates like Trump
trying to build a wall in our land to keep us out,
calling us rapists drug lords thieves and illegals:

But my tongue will never hide behind brown lips and I will
continue yelling fuckyou’s and chupa mi verga güey! I will
stand tall, gold crucifix wrapped around brown throat
and fist up towards heaven, pounding the sky with orgullo.